The Cornfed Feminist

FF: Pooping Etiquette

2012-02-24T00:30:00.000-06:00

It's Frivolous Friday again! For those of you stopping by from ICLW, FF posts are non-infertility related posts (read: bullshit posts) meant to take our minds off of things so we can fully enjoy our weekends. Here are some links to previous FF posts to make your weekend extra relaxed:

(Holy shit, I had no idea there had been this many FFs!)

Welcome to Frivolous Friday
FF: Steel Magnolias
FF: Random Things I Like
FF: Favorite X-mas Movies
FF: Celebrity Crushes
FF: Lyrics Epiphanies
FF: Going Commando
FF: A Husband's Love
FF: Random Things That Make Me Uncomfortable
FF: V-Day Love

Before I dive into today's topic, I'd like to note that there was an impressive Kristen Stewart impersonator in last weekend's production of the Vagina Monologues, complete with angsty twitching and hair grabbing. I shit you not, she looked and sounded just like her, and let it be known right now, I am going to be super pissed if vampire Bella is still twitchy and angsty because, come on Bella, you're a fucking vampire now. Have some self-confidence.

Moving on.

Pooping etiquette (at work, that is. Do whatever the hell floats your boat at home, unless that includes forgetting to flush and leaving nasty 8 hour old turds in the toilet for your wife to find. You nasty bastard). The impetus for this post came from a recent (as in five minutes ago) trip to the ladies where it was obvious that someone had just dropped a giant shedoobie. Evidence: Poop smell, disinfectant spray smell, floaties in the toilet bowl. Just remnants, nothing terribly offensive.

Now. Ladies and gentlemen, it should never get to this point. If one is unable to find a single stall bathroom in one's workplace, like the stalls where I deposit my thrice-weekly work deuces, there are a few rules of etiquette one must abide by to ensure a pleasant pooping experience for both the pooper and whoever gets stuck using the stall directly after. Additional parties present in the bathroom will also be appreciative.

The first and cardinal rule of pooping in public is the rule with which poopers have the most trouble:

1. COURTESY FLUSH

It may come as a surprise, but one does not have to look at ones own shit. I understand it's comparable to looking in a kleenex after one has blown their nose to make sure it was a productive blow or to gauge the color of the mucus to determine the onset of a cold or allergies. That is understandable, albeit pretty nasty nevertheless, but unless one is at home and has unlimited time to study the color patterns and textures of ones shit, ONE DOES NOT NEED TO SEE IT AT WORK (or in public in general).

I recommend the mid-shit courtesy flush. Not only does it suck the smell right down but it masks any farts with parts, mud butt splashes or the infamous "Large turd plop." Sure, it means you flush more than once and everyone knows you've just pooped, but wouldn't you rather they glean that information from multiple flushes than from smelling your stinky ass or finding a turd particle left in your wake? There is no contest here!

I realize it may sound like I'm oversimplifying things with the courtesy flush so here are a few other tips to make the courtesy flush the only bathroom etiquette you need to worry about.

2. Wait until you're up to bat, or at least first on deck. This means it's easier to follow rule number one if your crap is right there and ready to go. To continue the baseball metaphor, if your poo is still in the dugout, or worse, in the outfield, there's no point in going to the WC and struggling for half an hour. I'm not saying wait for the turtle head, but once you're uncomfortable and you've felt things move down, you'll know it's time.

3. Reading material is not necessary. I enjoy thumbing through a magazine on the toilet as much as the next person, and I've been known to resort to a shampoo bottle in desperate times, but at work, it's get in, get out. There's nothing worse than seeing your male boss or co-worker with a newspaper under their arm, whistling as they stroll down the hall to spend an hour on their "morning routine." They won't just read the current events, they won't stop until they've made it through life and times, business, and the sports section. I won't make any assumptions that there is no courtesy flush going on in there, but if anyone likes to look at their own feces, you know it's those guys. Shameless.

4. What about plunging? This is a tough one. If you've been storing up a shit for a while and you know it will likely clog up the workings of your entire county's sewer system I have two bits of advice for you. 1) Hold it until you get home. It will hurt, it will cut down on your work productivity and it will be a bitch to get out once you do sit down to do it, but plunging at work is on my top ten "List of things I would prefer never to do if possible." 2) Drink a poop cocktail on a regular (no pun intended) basis. I use Miralax and OJ or grape juice 3-4 times a week and it keeps things going at a nice clip.

5. What if I deal with chronic constipation and every shit I take is a huge one? Then you need to read this story. And then begin your Miralax cocktails ASAP. I am no stranger to chronic constipation and in the past have gone up to 2 weeks without evacuating the dance floor. Not. Good. Miralax is my new best friend.

When I was in college we had communal bathrooms on our (all-female) floor and pooping was a source of anxiety for me. Like, I would get up in the middle of the night just to poop, anxiety. Finally my roommate (high school bestie) and I made signs for the bathroom stalls that said things like "Everybody poops!" and "Courtesy flush!" and "Just get it out!" I like to think we really made a difference with those signs. They certainly made it easier for me and my pooping anxiety.

I also realize there are people (maybe even female people) who will not identify with anything in this post. They poop every day, at home, before they go to work, and it's a clean break every time, if you know what I'm sayin'. If this is you, you have just become my own personal unicorn and you need to send me an autographed photo that I can frame and put up on my wall of "Things that should not exist but do anyway"*.

You may be thinking "Wait, wait, hold up! As feminist women, shouldn't we be able to take a shit without all these rules? If dudes can comfortably dump wherever and however they please, I can too!" Nonono. That, by very definition, is behaving like your shit don't stink. That's not acceptable behavior for anyone, let alone modern feminist women who believe in equality and the ability to relieve oneself in a stink-free environment! I am exercising my feminist right to behave in a way that is traditionally unladylike by writing about a taboo topic as if it's actually something everyone does on a regular basis instead of pretending like women don't poop, fart, queef, vomit, have periods or orgasms, or squeeze humans from their vaginas. We all of us poop. It stinks. Minimize that stink for your fellow woman. Can I getta Amen?

*I dare you to google "Things that should not exist." NSFW and random as hell.

WWW #4: Just a little off pace

2012-02-22T13:34:00.000-06:00

It was another week with a minimal loss, although this week I have been a bottomless pit so I'm not surprised at all. Let's get right down to it, shall we?

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-in, Week #4 (starting week 4, that is):

1. Reiterate my goal and where I stand in reference to this goal.

Starting weight: 196.2 (BMI: 28.15 - Obese, according to this.)
Goal Weight : 167 (BMI: 24 - In normal range.)
Last Week's Weight: 192.6
Current Weight: 191.8 (BMI: 27.5 - Overweight )
Pounds lost this week: .8
Total pounds lost: 4.4
Pounds to goal: 24.8
Days to birthday: 47

2. Discuss what I did and what I'm going to do to achieve my goals.

I have been eating a lot lately. Over the weekend I basically ate whatever I wanted, I tracked everything in MFP, and I worked out pretty hard. I got a new Jillian video, Extreme Shed and Shred, and it's amazing. There's some kickboxing and capoiera and the dvd includes two thirty minute workouts with separate warm-ups and cool-downs, and you ideally work up to doing both 30 minute workouts back to back. I'm not quite there yet, but it was really fun and I'm looking forward to her kickboxing dvd that comes out next month.

I realize I'm not quite hitting my ~3 lbs/week pace and that's ok. I'm still losing over a pound a week on average, and I don't want to be losing weight too fast because A) I know the slower it comes off the more likely it is to stay off and B) Stretchmarks find a lot of ways to make an appearance, and losing weight too fast is how I got most of mine. I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll be a mess of stretchmarks (tiger stripes, if you will) if I ever do give birth, so you will see no annoying "I don't have stretchmarks and hopefully I won't get them since my mom doesn't have them" posts from me. Yes, PIFs with no stretchmarks. I'm lookin' at you. Not hatin', just jealous.

3. Post a (reasonably healthy) recipe that I've tried, a cooking tip, a new idea for working out for people to try, a photo update of my weight loss, or anything else I feel like sharing.

Everything else I feel like sharing is ~~related to infertility~~ lame. But I'm still going to share it.

I have a bit of bad news. The Glamour Shots night has been postponed, due to scheduling conflicts. Do you know what this means? I can maybe score some sweet after-prom clearance material to make my Glamour Shot all the more spectacular. It also means that unless I decide to go to the Miss Gay Iowa pageant this weekend, I don't plan on drinking anything and therefore won't POAS.

Dig in!

I'm going to keep working out the way I have been, all the while hoping I'm not jeopardizing the growth or stickiness of any uterine occupants. I'm really hoping all the exercise is not only improving my circulation and sending blood flow to my uterus, but encouraging anything contemplating taking up residence there to hang on for dear life.

The only symptom I have is slightly fuller boobs, which means I ovulated. Yeah! Other than the post-ovulation progesterone-fueled constipation, I have no symptoms. Period is expected Tuesday, possibly Wednesday.

CD 28. 8 DPO.

Daily Horoscope

2012-02-21T12:25:00.000-06:00

I don't put a ton of stock in astrology, but my sign is so unmistakeably me I can't resist looking up my horoscope sometimes. Since Tuesdays are black holes, today was one of those days.

Aries Feb 21, 2012
As winter winds down, you are beginning to think of new beginnings, Aries - or at least you should be. For quite awhile now you have been very focused on resolving old matters and patching up the foundation of your life. In other words, you've been in maintenance mode. But it's time for something new now, and you have earned the right to start building a more successful future. Take care of old business and finish it up as quickly as possible. It's time to forge a new path toward something you have wanted for a long time.

Hmmm. What have I wanted for a long time?

February ICLW

2012-02-21T00:30:00.000-06:00

Another day, another ICLW. International Comment Leaving Week. If you're new to my blog or would like a refresher, check out the ICLW Welcome tab on my homepage and my TTC timeline.

I'm so ready to leave a storm of comments on new blogs! I get in my groove of only commenting on a few blogs and I need to get out of my comfort zone.

In IF-related news, I just booked my tickets to Europe and the Middle East for work this summer so hopefully Irony will crash my party and I'll get knocked up with twins and be unable to travel. Or I'll get knocked up with twins and that will be the extent of my travel for a while.

Ugh, my 20 year old self would be hating on me so hard for those comments.

Anyway, welcome to my blog! It's CD 27, 7 DPO. I'm testing Saturday to make sure I can drink excessively during a Glamour Shots party. Otherwise I wouldn't bother since I'm expecting my period a week from today.

Peace out!

Back to that Higher Power

2012-02-20T21:12:00.001-06:00

If you believe in one or in a force that affects our lives, send your positive thoughts and prayers to Mo at Mommy Odyssey. Her water broke at 22 weeks and she's being induced. Her little boy will be born before he is technically viable and this comes on the heels of three miscarriages. This woman has had her share of bullshit and needs a fucking break.

Mo, we love you and are thinking about you.

Dreams and a Higher Power

2012-02-20T10:44:00.001-06:00

My gramps had his gall bladder out on Valentine's Day (or his gull blatter, as my 13 year old cousin called it on FB. I'm seriously worried about the state of education in this country.) To make a long story short, after the surgery his kidneys and bowel shut down and his body filled with toxic fluid. He's been on a ventilator for the past few days and my mom and her sisters flew to Florida to be with my grandma. They were talking end of life decisions on Friday, but on Saturday they were able to do dialysis and filter out the toxins and then yesterday they drained almost 4 liters of fluid from him. They're looking to gradually bring him out of sedation and he opened his eyes this morning.

This blog is about me and my reaction to things, so I'll write about my feelings and anything I feel is inappropriate to share with friends or family IRL, especially when someone is on life support.

I couldn't cry. I still can't.

I love my gramps, he's done so much for us over the years. So much. He helped my mom pay for me to go to Spain in high school, he paid for a couple of my study abroad plane tickets, he only wants what's best for his family, and he's sacrificed a lot so they could have what he considered a "better life." He's also rude to waiters and can be a dick when it comes to business dealings, but that's not why I couldn't cry.

I couldn't cry because infertility got all my tears this month. Not only has IF made it impossible for us to have a baby, but it's taken away my ability to cry about anything not related to IF. Ugh. It disgusts me. Normally I cry any time I think of a loved one dying, and when that's an actual possibility, I'm a mess. It really freaks me out that I couldn't even squeeze out a few tears for my grandpa but was almost sobbing after that birthday party last week. Seriously, infertility? So inappropriate.

This morning during my snooze cycles I had a dream. In it I went to a doctor and he told me there were two sacs but one might be a something something (I can't remember for sure). So a nurse did an ultrasound and it showed two sacs and two babies. I wasn't really reacting and the nurse made a comment about how calm I was (do we see a pattern here?) and said most women are usually freaking out when they see two sacs. I finally did start to cry when she told me they were healthy and had heartbeats, but it took a while. Then I heard my gramps' voice and he was on the porch of a rickety old house in Vicksburg, MS. Yeah, totally random location. I don't know what he said, but I could clearly hear his voice.

I remember making sure I got a printed ultrasound photo to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Then I woke up. And it turns out I was dreaming. Bullshit, right?

I'm sure the twins thing comes from me having dinner with a friend whose sister-in-law (also a friend of mine) is currently pregnant with twins. Gramps is obvious. The Vicksburg thing? No clue.

I've come to the conclusion that, should I turn out to be pregnant with twins, I do believe in some sort of higher power or force that is affecting the universe. I'm not trying to make a deal with gd or anything, I'm just not so obtuse that I'd ignore evidence like this. Especially when I heard my gramps' voice in my dream around the same time he was opening his eyes this morning. Did you just get chills? Me too.

CD 26, 6 DPO (I think.) I'm working out normally and have no symptoms.

Struggling, even though time is flying.

2012-02-18T00:30:00.000-06:00

It's the weekend again. Already. I feel like this past week flew by, and while I accomplished quite a bit at work and only have two weeks left of teaching, I'm feeling a little lost.

You see, I made the mistake of going to my high school bestie's house Wednesday night for her little girl's third birthday party. Her (the bestie's) cousin was there with her three kids, too, plus a little girl HSB (high school bestie, I don't want to have to keep typing it out) baby-sits for. That's seven kids. Aged from 8 years to 6 months. Two boys, five girls. A barbie princess party. My gd, the cacophony. So. LOUD.

I held the baby for a while. She loves me, of course. Infertility might be a tad easier if infants loathed me. HSB's 4 year old was excited to show me Super Mario Galaxy 2 since I helped him beat the bad guys in SMG 1. HSB's birthday girl had just gotten her ears pierced and was excited to show me her earrings and cloppity high heels. The doll cake, you know, the kind where the doll has no legs and is sticking out of the top of a skirt-shaped cake, was delicious. And I couldn't wait to go home. Because it's times like that when it hits me like a train how much I'm missing, not having kids. Especially when they offer to send a couple of them home with me. Gee. Thanks. Rub my nose in it like I'm a puppy that's just shit in the house. (For the record, I've never rubbed my puppies' noses in their poo if they mess in the house. I'm not a mean mommy.)

Ever since that damn CBE OPK smiley face I've been back to my old ways. Thinking about babies and being pregnant constantly, plugging in numbers to get estimated due dates, feeling melancholy any time I see kids or kid commercials or pregnancy updates on FB. I'd forgotten how exhausting it is. I'd also forgotten that feeling of excitement I get, just under my ribs, when I think about A and I having a baby. How excited I get when I think of telling my parents they're finally going to be grandparents (after they've been lapped so many times by their friends and younger siblings).

I actually felt like I'd let my sister down when I told her over the phone the other day that I'm still not pregnant. She asks pretty much every time we talk on the phone (she's 21 and far from babies herself, hopefully, so she doesn't really get it) and usually I just feel a little exasperated when I tell her "Not yet." This time I felt so sad.

I finally got a chance to ask my mom what she feels when another one of her friends makes what seems like their millionth "I'm going to be a grandma" FB post. She said, "Oh, I don't know. Sometimes I think 'Maybe you should share some of those grandbabies with the rest of us!' and it can get annoying after a while." So she is frustrated. Although I appreciate that frustration and her ability to sympathize with me, I just wish that next announcement could be hers and that the pregnancy would be mine.

I cannot get it together right now and it's really bugging me. I'm longing for that short period of time where child-free living was appealing to us and if we simply had to have a baby, we'd adopt. I have to get back to that mindset or I'm going to drive myself crazy(er).

I feel like my head is going to explode from all these thoughts and all I want to do is comfort eat. Hopefully the weather is nice tomorrow because I feel like running again.

FF: V-Day Love

2012-02-17T00:30:00.000-06:00

Tonight I'm heading to a local performance of The Vagina Monologues. Are you familiar with the Monologues and their author, Eve Ensler? I performed in them twice and directed them once when I was in college and even if you've seen them there's something to be said for seeing them again. And again. There are always new spotlight pieces highlighting current issues and since the cast is always different, the pieces are a little bit different every year.

If the Monologues are being performed anywhere near you, I would encourage you to take your spouse, a group of girlfriends, or just go on your own. Some of the pieces are funny, some are powerful, some address issues all women deal with but are taboo in society.

One of the pieces has been on my mind lately because I've been a little neglectful of downstairs grooming since my lady parts have been on my shit list for the last couple years. "Hair" talks about society's expectation for us to keep our lady parts groomed or completely hair-free. Po.rn has created unrealistic expectations for what a vagina should look like and there's a reason we have hair down there. "It's the leaf around the flower" is one line I always remember.

Get it? Ha!

Now, just because I think hair is supposed to be there doesn't mean I should let it get out of control like I have lately. It also doesn't mean I don't just want to have it all waxed off, especially if I'm about to wear a swimsuit. I haven't ever done that because I know once I start I won't be able to stop and Brazilians are not in our budget. It's so bad even A noticed, so I asked him to get me a trimmer for VD. He did and I think my vaj-fro broke it already.

Anyway, besides "Hair" there are pieces about birth, sexual awakening, cultural nicknames for the vagina and much more. The Monologues are performed around Valentine's Day and there's a whole movement called "V-Day" dedicated to informing the public about women's issues, ending rape and violence against women, and educating women and girls all over the world. It's an amazing organization and you can read more about it here. The V stands for Victory, Valentine, and Vagina.

At a time when women's health is being continually threatened in this country and all over the world, it's not enough to just be a feminist. We have to be activists, too. It doesn't take much to be an activist. Personally, I sign the petitions Planned Parenthood sends me (and occasionally share them on FB), I'll fill out the form letters to my representatives, I'll go batshit on anyone who uses the term femi-nazi (because associating feminism with the Holocaust is beyond insulting), and I attend events like the Vagina Monologues. If there's another March for Women's Lives in Washington, I'll be there, just like I was in 2005. It's not much, but if all of us do the same, especially the batshit part, the impact would be huge. If you want to get active, click here.

Most of my posts would suggest I should have named my blog "The Cornfed Infertile", so I thought I'd dedicate a post to straight up feminism. Kick ass and take names this weekend, ladies. Happy V-Day.

WWW: Week #3

2012-02-15T10:23:00.000-06:00

PCOS is such a bitch. I've been kicking ass at this fitness and healthy eating shit and I've barely lost a single ounce. I've been hovering around the same weight since last week.

To be fair, this is the time of the month where my body is hanging onto extra calories in case it has to support a developing fetus, so if I'm going to stay at a stagnant weight then at least I could get knocked up. I'm just glad I'm not on the Biggest Loser or some other show where they say excuses are bullshit and it's all about calories in/calories out. I've been measuring all my calories in and calories out and I should be losing more than .4 pounds in a week. No excuses, just PCOS.

Here are the stats:

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-in, Week #3:

1. Reiterate my goal and where I stand in reference to this goal.

Starting weight: 196.2 (BMI: 28.15 - Obese, according to this.)
Goal Weight : 167 (BMI: 24 - In normal range.)
Last Week's Weight: 193
Current Weight: 192.6 (BMI: 27.6 - Overweight )
Pounds lost this week: .4
Total pounds lost: 3.6
Pounds to goal: 25.6
Days to birthday: 54

2. Discuss what I did and what I'm going to do to achieve my goals.

I exercised 5 days last week, including No More Trouble Zones on Saturday which totally kicked my ass in the best way possible. I didn't stick with my goal of eating only my daily calories and none of the calories I earned with exercise. I pretty much ate my calorie allowance every day. After all, I can't make this too hard or I won't stick with it.

I've been pretty bad about going over my daily sugar recommendation, so I've given up my Greek yogurt in the morning in favor of eggs or a piece of beer bread and a glass of milk. That Green Monster, as fabulous as it may be, still packs a huge sugar punch and sucks up most of my daily allotment, so I've been trying to drink that on days where I exercise a lot. I've been drinking plenty of water, I've cut down considerably on diet soda (although I was really only drinking it once or twice a week), and the spinach smoothies really help me get my veggies in for the day.

Sometimes I do think my calorie requirement is set too low and put me into an immediate plateauing state, so I haven't felt too bad about eating my exercise calories. Plus if there's any chance of me getting pregnant this month (ha!) I don't want my body thinking I'm starving it or it won't put up with an implantation.

3. Post a (reasonably healthy) recipe that I've tried, a cooking tip, a new idea for working out for people to try, a photo update of my weight loss, or anything else I feel like sharing.

Instead of a tip or recipe this week I'm asking for advice. I was researching, or trying to research, exercise during the 2WW. Since forums drive me batty I figured I'd ask all of you for any tips, suggestions, advice, warnings, etc. for staying active during my 2WW.

I want to do some ab work to avoid the excessive flabbiness I've been feeling and I think it would be good to promote blood flow to my uterine area, but how much is too much? Will bouncing around during the 30DS workout hurt my chances? Are there any activities or positions I should avoid entirely?

Am I ok for the first few days of my 2WW but should I take it easy once implantation is most likely to occur?

Come on, those of you with fresh (or not so fresh) BFPs! Share what you did exercise-wise during your 2WW! And yes, I realize asking you all for advice is me being lazy and taking advantage of the fact that you've already found good info on all this stuff, but trust me. I'll still research it a lot.

What possessed us to do this?

Damn. I'm behaving like I did months ago when I still had hope. Damn you, hope. Fuck it. I'll just do the elliptical for half an hour every day during the 2WW and call it good. Once my period comes I'll resume kicking ass.

Hmmm. This is a tangent, but I might test early this month but I have really good reasons. Saturday, Feb 25th will be 11 DPO so not too crazy early for testing. If I get a BFN not only will I be able to kick ass during No More Trouble Zones but I'll be able to drink that night at my friend's Glamour Shots party! That's right. Glamour Shots. Ah 90s! I don't know how to quit you!

Good ole VD

2012-02-14T12:54:00.000-06:00

Valentine's Day, that is.

I'm going to tell you a story. It's a little pathetic and you may come away from it thinking me a little slutty, but oh well. I've told you my vagina smells like cheese curds, so I care not if you think me a loose woman.

In 2005, my New Year's Resolution was to lose my virginity. It started out with religious attachment to my v-card, then after a while it become more about not finding anyone with whom I wanted to do it. (I love how classy it sounds when I try to avoid ending a sentence with a preposition.)

By the time I was 21, I was tired of feeling like a prude, knowing full well it wasn't that big a deal, so I set my resolution. A couple weeks after New Year's I met a guy. He had a job, a decent car, wore a suit to work, was taller than me and cute, was a few years older than me and had traveled, and he liked The Phantom of the Opera. Oh, and he was straight. And might still be. Anyway, he was everything I thought I wanted in a guy and we started dating.

He was my first boyfriend so I wasn't entirely sure how things should play out. Plus I had divorced parents, so I wasn't sure how we should be treating each other. I had a tendency to over-romanticize things back then (much like I did with pregnancy at first) so there was a lot of drama and cheesy, unnecesary ridiculousness.

After a few weeks I thought I was in love. Of course. Valentine's Day rolled around and we went out for a romantic dinner and as he parked the car in the driveway of his rented duplex, he told me he loved me. This was what I had been waiting for. I wasn't going to give it up without the L word. Now that I'd heard it, the time had come. We headed upstairs to his bedroom and the awkwardness began.

Too much?

I don't know if you remember your first time but hopefully it was with someone who knew what he (or she) was doing. This guy did not. He didn't understand foreplay, female "moisture", or that a woman about to lose her virginity needs a towel under her bum. It was terrible. Painful, unromantic, selfish on his part. But I didn't know any different. In fact, it further reinforced my belief that it wasn't that big a deal and I should have gotten it over with years ago.

The saddest part is that he was packing a decent piece, if you know what I'm sayin. Such a waste. And I became a cliche who lost her virginity after a flimsy "I love you" on Valentine's Day. Pathetic.

Come to find out he had knocked up his ex-girlfriend right before we started dating (like a week before we started dating) and he proceeded to turn into (or I finally began to see it) the biggest douche I'd ever encountered. Selfish, immature, annoying, capitalized on my insecurities, everything I finally figured out I did not want in a guy. Plus his checking account was always overdrawn and all his furniture was from Rent-a-Center. After one last steamy, (yet still uncomfortable for me) vehicular encounter at 3:00 am in a Best Buy parking lot, we both elected to never call each other again. Yeah for passive aggressiveness.

Looking back, I've never been so glad of an unplanned pregnancy in my life. What if I had stayed with that guy? I'd be a step-mother to a 6 year old, married to a super-tool (or divorced), and be living without laughter. And I'd still be infertile. Ugh. I am so lucky I got out of that situation.

There you have it. The story of how I lost my virginity seven years ago today. It sucked. The best part about it is that the guy had to buy a new set of sheets. And it's the only New Year's Resolution I've ever kept.


Sunrise, Hilton Head, SC. November 2007

After 5 years together, over 4 of them married, I could not be happier with my hubby. He is everything that first guy was not, and it turns out what I thought I wanted in a guy and what I ended up needing from a guy are polar opposites. We laugh so much, with each other, at each other, at our puppies, at our shows, movies, etc. Not a day goes by where we don't laugh together about something. He's so kind to me and so clearly loves me, and he is the love of my life. I'm so glad if I have to be infertile, I have him by my side. Happy Valentine's Day my dear.

Update: BAhahahahahaha! You guys are funny with your comments. The only activity I thought you all might consider slutty was the New Year's resolution to lose my virginity,. Because, honestly, who does that? Although I don't really think it's slutty either. I may have been using that word for effect. Ha!

Ovulation and Adoption

2012-02-13T21:33:00.000-06:00

Why yes, that is an Ab Slide. Thanks for noticing.

It's hard to be cynical when you've got a little face smiling at you. I've never gotten a happy face CBE OPK before so I'm a bit pumped! I'm feeling some heaviness in my lower abdomen and if my follicles continued to grow the way they should they'd be about 22-23mm today. Totally poppable. We've also managed to do the humpty hump three times in the last four days. We are breaking records all over the place (well, not really, we limit it to the bedroom). We should probably hit it again tomorrow for good measure. (I wanted to insert a photo of Humpty Dumpty here but every image I found was horrifying, so I decided against it.)

I also received a call from Iowa Kidsnet this morning. I talked for probably twenty minutes with an absolutely fantastic woman. She was very up front and honest with me, as I was with her, and we came to the conclusion that adopting from the foster system is probably not the way to go for us at first. She told me that she recommends making the financial stretch and adopting privately, either domestic or international. Then in a few years we could either foster or adopt from foster care then. I think that sounds like a plan.

So now I'm going to research adoption agencies in the area and see what exactly it's going to take, both financially and emotionally, to actually do this. Of course that is provided nothing comes of this impending ovulation.

There's no good way to segue from talking about my own ovulation and adoption into this fantastic news, so I'm just going to use this sentence as a bridge.

Way to go on the BFPs to Izzy and Robin! These girls have been my blogging buddies for several months now and I could not be more thrilled for them! If they are feeling any survivor's guilt they need to get their asses to the pledge stat and enjoy every second of this! Love you girls!

Mememememememe

2012-02-12T00:30:00.000-06:00

I read the actual definition of a meme somewhere but promptly forgot it, so I'll stick with what I've always thought it means.

Meme: (noun) 1: Any opportunity for you to talk about yourself on the internet (i.e. focus on meme) 2: A set of questions you are to answer about yourself and then pass on to other bloggers.

We'll go with definition #2. Thank you, Lanie, for giving me weekend blogging material. And the formatting on this is kinda jacked from copying and pasting, but you'll figure it out.

Here are the rules:
1 - Post the rules
2 - Post 12 things about yourself
3 - Answer the 12 questions from the person who tagged you.
4 - Create 12 new questions for the people you tag.
5 - Tag 12 people and link them to your post.
6 - Let them know that you tagged them.

Ok, first of all, I sure as hell hope that number 2 and number 3 can be combined because I am not telling you 24 things about myself in one blog post. That is information overload. Also, I like Lanie's questions so I'm not going to create 12 new ones. Finally, I'll link to the bloggers I tag, but I won't make any additional efforts to notify them since this is all in fun. Ready? Ok.

1. Who are your favorite bloggers?

The first four blogs I followed consistently and read the most religiously are:

Jenny at The Bloggess

Jill at Baby Rabies

Gina at The Feminist Breeder

Tom and Lorenzo at Project Rungay

The Bloggess will forever be my first love. If you don't read her you must be brand new to ~~this planet~~ the internet and you need to add her to your reader immediately.

Jill is a light-hearted, funny mommy blogger and I've read her entire blog (like 4 years of archives) through from cover to cover.

Gina is a shit starter, which I appreciate in her case because she is actually moving a lot of feminist mothering and activism issues forward.

Tom and Lorenzo are a married couple who write about fashion and reality shows and celebrities and completely shallow yet fascinating random crap.

My favorite infertility blogs are:

Too numerous to name or link to, which is why I am so grateful for Mel's Blogroll.

2. What tip(s) would you give a beginning blogger?

Blogging should be about you. You can throw in humor and snark to play to your audience, but at the end of the day, they're connecting to the very real shit that's happening to you that you just happen to have the guts to write down. Don't feel like every post has to be earth shattering. If you have one or two that you need to get out of your head but you feel might bore the rest of us, post them anyway. Not everything you post will resonate with everyone, so be prepared for followers to come and go and comment randomly (i.e. with absolutely no regularity whatsoever). That's how I roll as a follower, at least.

3. What is your occupation and what is your favorite part of that occupation?

I'm not going to talk about my job on my blog because, fortunately, my job is one I leave at the office every day. I've already dropped enough context clues that you could figure out exactly what I do if you really want to, so I'll leave that up to you, Nancy Drew.

4. What do you like to do in your spare time?

I really like to be lazy, but only if I've done enough work (either at my job, exercise, housework, etc.) to make it worth it. If I'm laying on the couch like a slug and haven't accomplished anything there's no joy in it. While I'm laying on said couch, I enjoy watching movies and tv shows and snuggling with my puppies and hubby. I also love to travel, although most of the time it's for work so it's not really spare time. I'm a reader, an eater, and hopefully someday soon, a gardener. Nick Offerman says everyone should have a ~~hobby~~ discipline and I'm hoping to grow things we can eat this year.

5. What are the top 5 sites you visit on the Internet?

Google Reader

Tom and Lorenzo

The Cornfed Feminist

Yahoo

6. What is your favorite vacation place and why?

It's not so much about the place as it is about what I'm doing or not doing there. Anywhere I can lounge around, eat and drink, enjoy nature (beach or forest) and hang out with my husband and friends for an extended period of time. That's a vacation for me.

7. What is your favorite subject to blog about? And how do you come up with ideas to blog about?

I like to blog about my agitators since I think they're kind of strange sometimes and it's always fun to let your freak flag fly and see who identifies with you. I blog about whatever strikes my fancy that particular day. If I don't have something to blog about, I don't try and fake it. I know all the blogging conferences will tell you to blog every single day, but I'm not that interesting. I usually blog about infertility because that's why we're all here, but I try to throw in the non-IF post on a regular basis so my entire blog doesn't become about infertility even though my life has. Thus the WWW and FF posts.

8. Tell us one unique fact about yourself:

I am an infertile egg donor. Not unheard of, but not quite ubiquitous either.

9. What is your favorite book(s) of all time and why?

I love any books with strong female characters. I'm partial to series and I'll read anything by Jacqueline Carey, Tamora Pierce, Sharon Shinn, Anne Bishop and Suzanne Collins. If there's fantasy and sex I'm in!

10. What is your favorite food?

Pizza. Forever and always. I love you, cheese.

11. What are your favorite movie(s) of all time and why?

Again, I like movies with strong female characters. Kill Bill 1 & 2, Deathproof, The Sound of Music, Mary Poppins, Where the Heart Is, and so many, many more.

12. What will you do if you can't have a baby?

We're going to adopt or live child-free. I don't know if I can swing a life filled with kids that don't belong to me (meaning the children of my friends and family, not children I adopt because those are mine), but if I get a PhD and keep myself busy, I think I could do it.

Ok, here are the 12 people I'm tagging. Ladies, feel free to do the meme if you want. If not, no worries. All in fun. I know a few of you are trying to stave off boredom (and distract yourself from pre-term triplets labor *cough*Emily*cough), so I expect great things from your memes.

1. Izzy at Eggceptionally Blue
2. Robin at I'm Polycystic Inside
3. Sunny at Cease and Decyst
4. Janet at Just a Little Off Kilter
5. Emily at A Peek Into Our Journey
6. Lindsey at Adventures of Endo & Pregnancy in the Arctic
7. Lisa at Hapa Hopes
8. BW at Mummy Are We There Yet?
9. JM at Meier Madness

10. Unaffected at For We Are Bound By Symmetry
11. Gee at Geebaby
12. Belle at Scrambled Eggs

FF: Random things that make me uncomfortable

2012-02-10T00:30:00.000-06:00

It's FF again! Here are some things that make me uncomfortable. (It doesn't mean they are bad things and if you do them you shouldn't. It just means that they prick my neuroses in a way that makes me shift my weight and look for an exit.)

"These wounds they will not hee-all!"

1. Singing. Mainly when people sing with heartfelt passion in mundane situations, i.e. shopping at the grocery store or during class or walking their dog. Or in the case I'll always remember, when someone sings Lincoln Park in an operatic soprano and is totally serious. Unfortunately I was in a car at the time and had no escape route, and it still haunts me. (Think "Crawling in my Skin" sung by Sarah Brightman.)

There are two exceptions to this: my grandma, who is adorable and has a really cute Ella Fitzgerald-type voice that she hums and sings with unobnoxiously and a woman whose building I used to live in who would constantly sing hymns. Doing laundry, waiting for the bus, walking to get her mail, you name it and she was singing a hymn while doing it. I found it kind of sweet and it made me smile, so she's exempt. Whistling and mindless humming don't bug me either.

2. When people are rude to servers. It used to just make me uncomfortable and I would squirm in my seat and be extra polite to the server when they brought me re-fills to make up for the rudeness. It was usually my grandpa being the ass so I couldn't just say, "Grandpa, you're being an ass" no matter how much I wanted to.

Nowadays it's a little different. I'll glare at him or remind him of his humble upbringing and I always ask him if he's seen "Waiting", knowing full well he hasn't and not caring that my Grandpa may be ingesting any number of nasty things. I've been so tempted to actually instruct a server to do something to his food, but I don't want to get them in trouble. It's incredible to me that people can treat other human beings like they're less than human, especially if they've ever worked in food service or retail themselves. Please. Don't be an asshole.

3. Accents. Now don't get me wrong, I love a good lilt or brogue as much as the next person and I'm not someone who has trouble understanding most accents generally. If you are not a native English speaker or not from the U.S. and have an accent I'm totally cool with that. What makes me uncomfortable is if you are a native English speaker from the States and "develop" an accent.

Yes Madge, I'm looking at you.

Case in point: One of my roommates when I was in Italy spent three hours at Heathrow, spent a day in class with a bunch of girls from Bristol and the next day had adopted this terrible British accent that drove us all crazy. After 24 hours we couldn't take it anymore and we sat her down at The Fish (a pub in Florence with 5 for 5 shots back when the dollar was stronger than the euro) and told her she had to knock it off with the accent. Of course we get this "I can't (as in the philosopher) help it!" but finally she realized how ridiculous it was and stopped. I think she works at Hooters now . . . Anyway. The moral of the story: talk like where you're from. (Ooh, that was a great example of proper English.)

4. When I'm forced to write about myself in the 3rd person. I'm a humble Midwest girl (believe it or not) and I'm not so good at singing my own praises. I know there's something to be said for my gender contributing to that but that's a post for another day. I had to write a bio of myself for work a few months ago, highlighting my education, experience, special skills and a few personal facts. Basically a resume in paragraph form. Ew, it makes my skin crawl to think of it. Fortunately I could show my sense of humor and this was the last sentence of the bio: "Some things that make her uncomfortable are writing about herself in the third person and people randomly bursting into song (excluding musicals)."

5. Being in the same room with both of my parents. I've said in a previous post that one of the reasons I didn't have a big wedding (besides the cost) was that my parents would have to be in the same room together and I die a little inside any time that happens. It's true. My parents have been divorced for over twenty years and I still get palm-sweaty uncomfortable if we're all together. Fortunately it only happens at graduations now and since my brother and sister are both about done with school I'm feeling better. Oh shit, both of them still have to get married though, and they don't share my wedding views. Oh well. They'll both have kegs I'm sure, so I'll be able to get through it.

6. When people wear their religion on their sleeve. Notice, I didn't say the people themselves make me uncomfortable, it just makes me uncomfortable when they do this. I am intimidated by the goodness that comes from constantly trying to please the Lord and bringing every conversation back to something religious. If you're trying to "witness" to me or "fellowship" (I strongly dislike when that word is used as a verb, btw) with me I will be making an excuse that includes explosive diarrhea or something equally urgent so I can get the hell out of there. That's just me. But praying for me is absolutely fine, in fact, I encourage it and I will direct positive thoughts to you as well. (For the record, if you mention G-d or praying or religion on your blog that doesn't mean I'll stop following you. I don't begrudge you your beliefs and we're here to support each other. But if every other sentence is a bible verse, I'm out. Too much discomfort. Again, that's just me. I'm sure I've dropped one to many F-bombs and alienated a few of my followers too, so there is balance in the world.)

I'm sure there are many many more things that make me uncomfortable but this will do for now.

What are some strange things that make you uncomfortable?

Focking Infertility

2012-02-09T00:30:00.000-06:00

We watched Horrible Bosses the other day. I laughed out loud a couple times and vastly prefer Jennifer Aniston in roles like that, but for the most part the movie was a little lackluster and frustrating for me. Why?

The Ben Stiller Effect.

I discovered this phenomenon and my aversion to it a few years ago, you know, back when Ben Stiller movies were popular.

You take a sad, small, pathetic, yet slightly good-looking, man (or three or four, i.e. Horrible Bosses and The Hangover) and just keep throwin' shit at him. Meet the Parents? Hated it. Could it have been more frustrating? Along Came Polly? There's Something About Mary? Every movie, from start to finish, is just "How much can we fuck with Ben Stiller?" It's so annoying! And as funny as Zoolander is, it's still bad shit happening to Ben Stiller.

Of course his saving graces are Heavyweights and Dodgeball. Ben Stiller as a villain? I'm totally into it.

My point is, infertility for a lot of us is like living a Ben Stiller movie. We just cannot catch a fucking break. We spend years getting pregnant, YEARS. And thousands of dollars. It's very stressful on our marriages, our friendships, our jobs, everything. Then we finally get pregnant! It's a miracle! Everything is going along "smoothly." Then the miscarriage happens. Or the subchorionic hematoma. Or the shortening cervix. Or the placenta previa. Or the gestational diabetes. It's never ending.

I realize all we hear about are the worst case scenarios. We don't see the "everything is going great, no problems, no worries" pregnancies because those blogs don't seem to exist in the ALI community. Just once I would like to see a case where the couple struggled with infertility, got pregnant, and had no more issues. Easy pregnancy, easy birth.

Therefore I'd like to take one for the team and have an issue-free pregnancy and birth. I'll be the urban legend you can point all your blog friends to and say, "That's her! That's the one who finally got pregnant and had a textbook pregnancy and birth!" I know, I know. It will be a chore. But I will do it for all of you.

Ha! Yeah right. My disillusionment is settling in for the long haul, I'm afraid. I think I'll go hit up Tower Heist at the dollar theatre and start my foster to adopt classes.

What the hell.

2012-02-08T17:22:00.000-06:00

I figured she probably already thinks I'm slightly batshit, so I sent her this too:

Well, since I’m thinking aboutit, I might as well give you something else to think about, too. Feelfree to stop reading here and come back to this once you’re back from your timeoff!

This is even stranger than thefirst request, so bear with me. I’ve had over two years of trying toconceive to think of all this stuff.

Do you think the clinic (andrecipients, for that matter) would consider letting me do a donor cycle butwaiving the donor fee and keeping a percentage of eggs retrieved (which wecould then fertilize with A’s sperm)?

It obviously wouldn’t be a 50/50split, it would be something the recipient couple would have to agree to. Since I never knew exactly how many eggs were retrieved I don’t know if itwould even be an attractive option to a recipient couple, but I thought I wouldask, while my eggs are still young.

I also know that the drugprotocols are different with women doing IVF versus donors to keep the risk ofhyperstimulation down, and I would be willing to do regular donor protocol andthen freeze any embryos we were left with to increase the total number of eggsretrieved and allow me time to wait until my body was calmed down from thedrugs before the FET.

I know that all sounds verycomplicated, but I want to explore all my options, and if getting a littlecreative gets us a baby, then it’s worth it.

I would think it would appeal toa recipient couple to be able to help us out and waive the donor fee and Iwould love to help another couple. At this point it has taken on so muchmore meaning for me after going through this myself. Of course a lot ofother people need to be involved to make this work and I do realize it may notbe possible. But again, I don’t know unless I ask, right?

I hope you have a lovely timeoff. I hope you’re going somewhere warm! I look forward to hearingfrom you when you get back, no matter how long it takes.

Thank you from the bottom of myheart. You have been amazing through all of this and you have no idea howmuch A and I appreciate it.

Take care

Katie

Her response (9 minutes later):

Oh Katie, my heart just breaks for you. This is a cruel twistof fate for you.

Let me mull all of this over and get back to you, you areright, any of this if we could make it work will take some time to thinkabout, consider etc…. I have a file started for you on my desk and I willkeep at it and do all I can to make something work.

Headed to FL to see my granddaughter, she moved there in August andwe have not seen her since early August. Very excited.

You are the sweet one, you were a great donor to workwith.

Will see what we can do, no promises but my promise is that I willtry as hard as I can to get them to get something to work.

Hello to A.

Are you bawling yet? Because I am seriously sobbing right now. This woman not only gives me hope that we may yet be able to have a baby, but that there are medical professionals who really care about us. About our sometimes hopeless plight, our dysfunctional bodies, and our peace of mind. I want to lay my head on her shoulder and cry and I also trust her with my lady parts. She made my husband look at my cervix and she saved Steak 'n' Shake coupons for us 3 years ago and apologized to us last September that she didn't have more coupons for us. She remembered! She reads my chart! She has a file for me. If I ever have a daughter, her middle name will be after this woman.

Sorry for the three-post day. I got a little overwhelmed with kindness, and that so rarely happens.

Well, I asked. Let's see how this pans out.

2012-02-08T13:00:00.001-06:00

It's a double posting day.

Sent this morning:

Hi M,

It’s looking like we’re not going to be able to conceive onour own and IVF is out of the question due to cost. I was wondering, andthis is probably quite the odd request, if it’s possible for my recipients(once their families are complete and they’re deciding what to do with anyfrozen embryos) to be given the option to donate those back to me? Ididn’t know if it was possible for them to designate who their remainingembryos go to should they choose to donate them, but I thought I’d give it ashot.

If you could let me know if this is a possibility I wouldreally appreciate it.

Thanks so much for everything!

Katie

Response (23 minutes later):

Oh Katie,

Well we have never had that requestbefore. I will have to look first to see if any of your recipientseven have any frozen embryos left. It will take a while to pull thatinfo. It is hard on purpose……. So that others cannot come in to theoffice and figure out who is with who !!!!! D and I even have tothink hard on that one.

That will take me a bit to figure that out.

If there were any left and they had decided to donate then I wouldneed to approach the medical team to ask for their input on this. We havenever dealt with this at all.

This is pretty cruel to you to have been such a WONDERFUL donoronly to find out that you are now having trouble. I have no idea if theywould consider some kind of reduced cost for you or anything. Letme think about these things for a bit.

The clinic is very busy and I am gone from the 14-22. Justhang in there and give me some time on this one o.k.?

The best,

WHY THE HELL CAN'T EVERY INFERTILITY MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL IN THE WORLD BE LIKE THIS WOMAN?!?

M, you take all the time you need. My infertility and I are not going anywhere.

WWW#2: Down and up

2012-02-08T09:12:00.000-06:00

I must have had a lot of water weight to lose because I was down 5 pounds by Saturday. I think it balanced out, though, since I'm down an official 3 as of this morning. I haven't really been denying myself anything I want. As long as I track it in MFP and it doesn't make me go too far over my totals for the day (not just in calories but in fat, carbs, and sugar), I will eat it and enjoy it.

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-in, Week #2:

1. Reiterate my goal and where I stand in reference to this goal.

Starting weight: 196.2 (BMI: 28.15 - Obese, according to this.)
Goal Weight : 167 (BMI: 24 - In normal range.)
Last Week's Weight: 196.2
Current Weight: 193 (BMI: 27.7 - Whew, now just overweight according to the WHO.)
Pounds lost: 3.2
Pounds to goal: 26
Days to birthday: 61

2. Discuss what I did and what I'm going to do to achieve my goals.

Love it.

Yesterday was my first rest day since the Monday before, so I worked out 7 days in a row. Oops. It was anything from 20 minutes of 30DS to 55 minutes of No More Trouble Zones, which is the hardest Jillian video I've found and it's amazing. I also threw 30 minutes on the elliptical in there a couple days for variety.

Yesterday was also the first day I've gone over on my daily calorie allowance without using exercise to cover the extra. Every other day I was either right at my calorie goal or under it when I factored in exercise. The way MFP works is you get to eat the calories you burn as long as your total calorie intake balances with your total calorie goal plus exercise. This week my goal is to try not to eat more than my calorie allotment, no matter how much I exercise. I may or may not be able to do this, depending on how effectively I designate my calories to make the most of what I'm eating, i.e. focus on protein and low cal foods with bulk, like veggies.

3. Post a (reasonably healthy) recipe that I've tried, a cooking tip, a new idea for working out for people to try, a photo update of my weight loss, or anything else I feel like sharing.

I shared my Iowa Girl Eats Green Monster Smoothie recipe Monday and I still highly recommend it. I also thought I'd share how I made it through Super Bowl Sunday under my calorie goal.

First I had a piece of toast and a glass of milk for breakfast. Then I did the No More Trouble Zones workout. It's 55 minutes and burns 642 calories, so that was 642 more calories I could eat that day. Then I had a spinach smoothie for lunch and some clementines before heading to the work bestie's house for the big game, which I could give two shits about but she and her husband are from the east coast and were rooting for opposite teams so things got pretty ugly. Anyway, I focused on raw baby carrots with roasted red pepper hummus. I had some pepperjack cheese and allowed myself a few fried cheese ravioli appetizers. I rounded it out with shrimp and cocktail sauce (11 medium shrimp with sauce for 100 calories? Yes please!) and three of her homemade mint milanos. I also pretended my diet cream soda was beer and drank 2 liters of it. I know that much soda is a bad idea, but I figured it was better than drinking 2 liters of beer, which I have done in the past.

So that's how I made it through my first week of the rest of my life. Or something. I feel like I did ok. I'm dragging a little today after yesterday's depressing news, but I'm going to hit the 6 Week 6 pack again tonight so hopefully that will perk me up. Plus I'm going to grab Noodles on my way home and indulge in "I Don't Know How She Does It", which promises to be a terrible chick flick rom com, which is exactly what I need right now.

Love you all for your encouragement after yesterday! Those comments made my day this morning.

The Big Reveal

2012-02-07T15:31:00.001-06:00

Lanie's been bugging me to show pics of myself, so I have one for you. But before I show it, let's talk about my ovaries and a potential light at the end of this ~~shit show~~ tunnel.

After today's U/S (CD 13 after 2.5 mg of femara on days 5-9) I have no dominant follicle and the biggest one is barely 10 mm. It looks like my body has made my choice for me and I'll be focusing on my 29 by 29 goal this month. It really sucks, but what can you do?

In other news I kinda sorta neglected to call the U of I to order this U/S today so the tech was a little freaked that there wasn't an order. Dr. G's nurse made her fax the results to the U of I anyway so now I'm going to end up paying $45 to be told I need another U/S Thursday, which I'm not going to have. I was trying to self-prescribe this cycle because I cannot handle the run around with another nurse right now. Am I being awfully immature if I refuse to pick up the phone? Can they charge me for a phone conversation we never have? Ugh.

I think I'm about done with this. Yesterday I asked my uncle to have his boyfriend send me the info on foster to adopt since he has a couple of friends who have done it several times. This morning I asked my boss if she could ask a guy we both know if it would be ok for me to ask him questions about their process since they adopted a newborn about a year ago. If I'm at the point where I'm asking for help, I know I've had it with infertility.

I texted A to see if it's ok for us to get some more info on foster to adopt and he said, "Of course." No, "Let's talk about it first" or "Are you sure that's what you want to do?" I think he would rather skip the baby thing and get right to parenting quasi humans. Plus I know he's as tired of this as I am.

Best flower girl ever.

After over 2 years of this bullshit, I think I'm to the point where the pregnancy and birth experiences aren't as important to me. Yes, I want to be pregnant and I want to experience childbirth, but I want kids more. If they don't look like me it's not the end of the world. I wasn't that cute as a kid.

I want another presence in our house. Another being to love and love me in return. Someone to teach and to teach me. Someone to take to the next crappy Spy Kids movie and buy cheese goldfish and chocolate milk for. A little person to nurture and talk to and listen to and snuggle with. Someone who gets excited about the little things and doesn't have a jaded view of the world.

That person is not going to be genetically related to me and the sooner I accept it, the easier it will be for everyone involved.

BTW, that solid little girl in the purple dress? Yeah, that's me, circa November, 1985. Barely 2 1/2. Don't I look, like, at least 5? You're welcome, Lanie. ;)

Addicted to the Green Monster

2012-02-06T09:30:00.000-06:00

I read this blog called "Iowa Girl Eats." It's mainly a food blog and she gives her recipes a healthy twist.

Here is a link to my new best friend: http://iowagirleats.com/2012/01/04/my-top-secret-diet-weapon/

She is totally right. It does not taste healthy at all. It tastes like peanut butter and banana and goodness. Jesica at "Just Smile and Blog" was asking for a leafy greens recipe and before I even tried this myself I sent her the link to it. This weekend I finally got around to going to Sam's Club to get a big container of organic baby spinach.

I had a smoothie for lunch Saturday, lunch Sunday, and breakfast this morning and they are ridiculously good. Plus green is my favorite color and they are such a bright, happy shade of green. No negative impact on my digestion yet, although I may not want to eat them every single day just in case. I have noticed that my skin is not breaking out as much as it normally would at this point in my cycle. The real test will be what it looks like in about a week once I ovulate and my "attractive hormones" wear off.

This will be my recipe tip for WWW this week, but I couldn't wait until Wednesday to share it with you. I hope you are all having a happy Monday! CD 13 U/S tomorrow. Still trying to decide if I want to trigger this month or take a break from the nurses to focus on my 29 by 29 goal. I'll think about that tomorrow.

Waxing poetic

2012-02-05T00:30:00.000-06:00

I'm going to review a product. Well, review and recommend since I wouldn't think to review it had I not wanted to recommend it. Whatever. I haven't been compensated in any way although I wouldn't say no to a lifetime supply once the word gets out about this.

I, like many women afflicted with PCOS or dark hair, can grow a kick-ass mustache and neck whiskers. Sometimes a little tweezing is all that is required, but every 8 weeks or so, the stache needs a good wax.

Usually I go to a salon and have someone there do it. Of course then I pay $10-15, sometimes more if I give in to the neck and brow wax. I am ashamed to say I have spent $30 to get my brows/stache/neck/chin waxed. Twice. Damn, my face looks terrifying for at least an hour post-waxing. Ouch.

In an effort to save money and reduce trips to the salon, I have used depilatories and Nads with mixed results. A couple weeks ago I bought a box of Nair waxing strips, thinking I'd try them out since they only cost $5 for 34 waxing strips and 3 moisturizing towelettes.

Life changing.

Seriously, these things are amazing. They're packaged with two strips back to back, so you warm the strips between your hands, peel them apart, apply to hairy area, smooth down in direction of the hair, and pull off in the opposite direction. Two strips covered my whole stache plus the stubborn little hairs right below my bottom lip. They were so effective they even reddened my skin like a proper wax would. The towelette made my face a little greasy and caused a few additional zits to pop up, so I might skip that next time, but the overall experience was incredibly pleasant.

A few days later and my face still feels like it would after a salon wax and I have a box full of wax strips to use next time the stache makes an appearance. I haven't tried the strips yet on the neck hair, but that's on my agenda for tonight.

I feel a little bad putting my salon out like this in our shitty economy, but I'll still get my hair cut there at $30 a pop a couple times a year, so I won't lose any sleep over it.

How does Grandma feel?

2012-02-04T00:30:00.000-06:00

My mom was good friends in high school with my dad's gay brother's ex-wife. Yeah. Anyway, the ex-lesbian cousin is her daughter (yes, my ex-lesbian cousin's dad is gay) and my cousin had her first ultrasound yesterday.

She's only 8 weeks, and, despite having a lot of cyst issues and pre-cervical cancer herself, is still technically a fertile, so she's all about sharing the news already.

Today her mom's FB status reads: "This is a picture of my third grand baby due in September!!" and her profile pic is the 8 week gummi bear U/S.

It didn't upset me because my cousin had texted me the photo last night so I was prepared. But I started thinking and wondered something. Does my mom react to the "I'm going to be a grandma!" FB posts the way I react to the "I'm pregnant!" posts? Does she get a little peeved and jealous and think "Those bitches are so smug"? I don't know. I'll have to ask her.

If I had been waiting over 2 years to be a grandma, (well, she's been waiting much longer than that, we've only just been trying for 2 years) I'd probably get a little annoyed when all my high school friends were posting photos of themselves with their grandbabies and exclaiming on FB how they can't BELIEVE they're going to be a grandma AGAIN!

Wow. Now that I think about it, how many of our moms may get to the point where they kind of understand our reaction to smug fertiles? Granted most of us have siblings who will eventually give our mothers their first grandchild, if they haven't already, but I'm sure I'm not the only oldest child out there struggling to make her mother a grandma for the first time.

For the record, my mom looks nothing like that cartoon grandma. Most people are surprised when they find out she has a 28 year old daughter. I have one thing going for me as I age, at least.

FF: A Husband's Love

2012-02-03T00:30:00.000-06:00

My husband loves our iPad more than me. And it's not even ours. I got it for work and it technically isn't really mine, but to hear him tell it, he's pissed on it, so it's his. Well, not literally pissed on, but, well I guess I don't know for sure since he takes it into the bathroom with him and only gd knows what goes on in there.

Here is a back and forth of our texts from the first few days I had the damn thing. I guess I started it:

Me: Somebody just got an iPad.

A: Oooh. Somebody is jealous.
A: We can watch Face Off on it tonight.

3 minutes later:
A's friend: A say u hav ipad. Buy Plants vs. Zombies. Better than angry birds! I promise!

5 minutes later:
A: How's your iNapkin?
Me: Fine.
A: Cool. Was it still in the box?
Me: No.

2 hours later:
A: Playing birds?

The next day (within 10 minutes):
A: U should take that pad of yours and look up the story about shawn johnson.
A: Have you tried watching any tv on it yet?
A: Do you know if you can hook up more than one headphones? For watching in bed.
A: I hope you're not mad at me (this one came on the heels of me not responding to any of his other texts.)
A: So have you tried streaming anything yet?

I swear to gd I'm about to give the thing back. Then this morning after a particularly long interlude in the bathroom he comes downstairs, stroking the pad and says, "I really do like it." Really? No shit.

See? Evil.

These things are evil.

Does your husband/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend have a gadget that, when given the choice between it and you s/he might actually hesitate?

Damn it. I'm not giving up.

2012-02-02T00:30:00.000-06:00

The "Damn it" in the title of this post may sound like a "resolved to succeed" damn it, but it is in fact an exasperated damn it. As in, "I was just getting to the point where adoption was looking like the best option and then I held a newborn" damn it.

I visited one of my good work friends in the hospital today. She's not really a good example of pregnancy because she is super teeny and seriously looked like she was carrying a basketball under her shirt, and like a women's regulation size, not even men's regulation. Her belly looked fake and when she lifted her shirt up the other night so we could feel her belly (yes, I was able to do this without bursting into tears or vomiting, go me) there was not a stretch mark to be found and her belly looked absolutely perfect. Plus she texted me at 9:26 last night that she was on her way to the hospital and her baby was born 58 minutes later. *Sigh*

Anyway, you all know that lately I've been closer to losing my resolve and throwing in my infertility towel in favor of adoption (via foster to adopt, all we can afford) or child-free living. After today I'm thinking more about IVF options. The way I see it we could do one (or more) of the following:

1. We could cash in my retirement account and do a traditional IVF. I'm not really liking this option since my retirement account has already lost $12K this year so this is an absolute last resort.

2. I could petition the nurses at the U of I to contact my recipients and see what their plans are for the rest of their embryos, provided there are any. If they're planning to dispose of them or donate them anyway, maybe I could just get them back . . . Weird? I think not. Of course that means they're only half ours and missing A's genes, so this is my second least favorite option.

3. This one would take some finagling (wow, that's actually a word and spell-check didn't even blink) on the part of the U of I or Mid-Iowa Fertility and a recipient couple. I could do another donor egg cycle only A and I would actually keep a percentage of the eggs retrieved and fertilize them with his sperm. Ideally the recipient couple would still cover the meds but my insurance would cover the transfer (or we'd pay out of pocket for it, depending on how much of our infertility allotment is left) and there would be no donor fee, so my recipient would save either $3000 or $5000 depending on which fertility clinic we go through. I'm thinking this is a pretty attractive option. Between righty and lefty I had 56 follicles the last time I donated, so the chances of us getting quite a few eggs is probably pretty good. (If I had that many again I'd probably do an FET so my lady parts could chill out and not hyperstimulate.) We could do a 50/50 split or even a 60/40. I'd even do a 70/30. (Jesus, it sounds like I'm placing bets). As long as it's legal. Hmmm. I'd have to draft a formal proposal that a clinic would then present to donor egg recipient couples. If the clinic bought the idea at all. Is this crazy? Any of you ladies looking for a top notch donor egg? Forget the fact that I'm infertile and the WHO thinks I'm obese. My eggs have an MBA, are well-traveled, and will have some really cute dimples! I'm only half-kidding. Sort of half-kidding, which is not really kidding at all.

4. We could find external funding sources to cover IVF. There are some grant opportunities available, although they're limited and usually don't cover all the costs. Plus you have to prove your destitute-ness and I think everyone deserves to get grant funding so they don't have to drop 15K on something that should be free. Any extra cash you have should go towards taking your kids to Disney World, not paying doctors to create them for you. It's just a tough selection process.

There are also the IVF trials Unaffected told us about, although it's not cheap to fly from Des Moines to, well, anywhere, so that might be a little difficult.

See? No more mystery.

These would take the most amount of work and research and right now I'm so busy at work I'm 238 blog posts behind in my reader. Yikes!

So I'm not ready to give up on having my own baby just yet. My little brain-storming session makes it all sound so scientific and insensitive, but I've reached that point. There is no mystery in this for me anymore. It will definitely be miraculous, no matter how it happens, but I'm not kidding myself that it's going to magically happen without more effort.

WWW #1: Yeah, I'm doing it, too.

2012-02-01T15:49:00.000-06:00

The number on the scale has been slowly creeping up since I stopped doing WW (Watching the Weight, that is) about 8 months ago. I had lost 17 lbs in 10 months (a low number, thanks to PCOS) after gaining as much after going off the pill. I actually saw the scale in the 170s, which I hadn't seen in years. Unfortunately, that loss did nothing for my ovulation. After 8 months of sporadic exercise, not eating as many fruits and vegetables, and not tracking what I eat in general, I've gained it all back. Damn, damn, damn.

In the past couple of weeks I've bumped up my exercise routine to one Jillian video or another 3-4 times per week. That's great and I do feel better already, but I haven't changed my eating habits, so all the muscle I'm building with Jillian is just adding weight and I'm not losing anything. Duh.

After a long phone call last night with one of my besties who did WW with me before she moved away last year, I've decided I'm not messing around anymore. If I can't have a baby, I can at least have a slammin bod and be as healthy as I can be. Who's with me?

Weekly Wednesday Weigh-in, Week #1:

1. Reiterate my goal and where I stand in reference to this goal.

Starting weight: 196.2 (BMI: 28.15 - Obese, according to this. I think that's a little harsh, but it sure is a motivator.)
Goal Weight : 167 (BMI: 24 - In normal range.)
Last Week's Weight: 196.2
Current Weight: 196.2
Pounds to goal: 29.2
Days to birthday: 68*

2. Discuss what I did and what I'm going to do to achieve my goals.

I'm going to use My Fitness Pal to track what I eat, including how many of my calories are made up of carbs vs. protein and try to keep the carbs under 40%. This will be pretty hard, especially since I'll be eating a lot of fruit, but it will be made easier by limiting my sugar. My main goal with this plan is obviously to lose the weight, but also to not be reliant on food for comfort or be dependent on my cravings. I have great determination and willpower in so many other areas of my life. Why the hell is my health any different? Oh yeah, because I'm a food addict.

3. Post a (reasonably healthy) recipe that I've tried, a cooking tip, a new idea for working out for people to try, a photo update of my weight loss, or anything else I feel like sharing.

Hmmm. This will be hard. I'll probably focus on the working out part since I'm not much of a cook, but I'll be cooking more in an effort to be healthier and save money, so we'll see.

Accountability is the hardest part of losing weight for me. Usually I'm my harshest critic, so holding myself accountable to myself should get it done, but not when it comes to weight loss. It will be much better to hold myself accountable to myself and you guys.

*My 29th birthday is in 68 days, or 9.7 weeks. If I lose 3 lbs/week , which is a little fast but not crazy, I can lose 29 lbs by my 29th birthday. Is that a goal or is that a GOAL! To break it down, that's losing under 1/2 lb a day, so that equals cutting calories by about 1700 between food and exercise. If I'm supposed to be eating 2200 calories to maintain then I'll cut 1000 from food and exercise 700. In actuality I'll probably cut 700 from food and exercise 400-500 so my weight loss might be slower. (I realize the goal is a bit lofty, so I promise not to give up if I don't hit it. Especially since I know my body works against me when it comes to losing weight. But 29 by 29 sounds so awesome, doesn't it! Ah well, I have to be realistic.)

So, are we ready? I just logged my food into My Fitness Pal and am ready to get started. 6 week 6 pack is on the docket for tonight. It's only about 35 minutes but it's an amazing workout and I feel amazing once I've completed it. For those of you who are already doing this, I'm keeping up with your blog posts and cheering you on. If you haven't started yet and want to, let me know and I'll make sure you're in my reader so I can cheer you on, too! Ready? Break!

You Might Be a Dog Mom If

2012-01-29T00:30:00.000-06:00

Some moms are constantly stepping on hair pretties (barrettes), barbie dolls, know the intricacies of Disney princesses, and have to use gallons of de-tangler to comb their kids' hair. These are girl moms. Other moms are constantly stepping on trucks and legos, bandaging scrapes, making trips to the emergency room, and are unable to have nice things. These are boy moms. (Yes, I know boys can play with dolls and girls can play with legos, but I'm gratuitously generalizing today.)

Watching for squirrels and strangers.

Still other moms are constantly stepping on chew toys, are greeted with enthusiasm at the door every single night, and have children that would happily lay on the couch and be petted all day. Sure, their kids pee and poop on the floor sometimes, but for the most part they lick themselves clean and only need baths occasionally. These moms can leave their kids alone without a baby-sitter, can pay a nominal fee for a neighbor to let them out if she and dad want to go on vacation, and despite the occasional scrape or ragged toenail, they only need a few shots once or twice a year. These moms have kids that are astonishingly easy to please, will eat anything, and don't require Nickelodeon, Justin Bieber, Dora, Kai Lan, or Caillou. These are dog moms.

I am a dog mom. These are my babies.

The Little Brown Pitbull

Fat Dog

These are the loves of my life. Do I feel weird that my children are fur-covered and bark when they see strangers, squirrels or other dogs walk by? Not really. Who needs human babies when I have these two? Look at those faces. Those faces will not take a back seat to a baby.

Dark and Twisty. My pledge to you.

2012-01-28T00:30:00.000-06:00

Normally I think of myself as a pretty positive person. Fun-loving, grossly inappropriate in a humorous way, and as happy as someone who wants a baby and can't have one can be.

But, like Meredith Grey, I have a dark and twisty side. And every time I get my period, it surfaces. Check this out.

Part of me is always relieved when I get a period. Not because I'm scared of pregnancy and parenthood and constant worrying, although all of that is true.

No, I'm relieved because once I start to bleed, I don't feel like an infertility fraud. I can continue writing my "infertility sucks" blog posts and I don't have to experience the dreaded PIF "survivor's guilt." Many of my blog friends have written about experiencing this and I'm afraid that I won't, and at the same time am afraid that I will. And I'm really afraid I'll never have to worry about it because I'll never get pregnant.

Yeah. Dark and twisty and not a little fucked up. I don't want to be pregnant because I might feel like a fraud and experience survivor's guilt? Yikes.

So from now on I'm taking a pledge, and you're more than welcome to pledge with me. Here it is:

I, Katie (insert your name in place of mine), do solemnly swear not to feel survivor's guilt if I ever get pregnant. I promise that I will be happy for myself and will accept all congratulatory comments with graceful guiltlessness. I know that I will remain an "infertile" til the day I die* and pledge that I will not feel like a fraud when I read and comment on ALI blogs. I pledge to minimize my feelings of relief when I get my period and allow myself to be pissed and have a crazy moment or two before getting back on the horse.

"That horse looks like it's going to throw me . . . again."

*I am in the "once infertile, always infertile" camp. I will never forget the way I felt during this time. My possible future pregnancies, my births, my parenting style, my philosophies will be forever changed because of infertility. For me, all of that means I'm infertile forever. Other women may choose to remove themselves from the category or never apply the term in the first place. That's cool. All I know is that for me, it feels like undermining my struggle and discarding over two year's worth of feelings so I can feel "normal", and I'm not down with that. At least not at this point. Also someone found my blog searching for "ass hot anal crazy". Awesome.

FF: Going commando

2012-01-27T00:30:00.000-06:00

Is it just me, or is there an overabundance of camel toe in the NFL? (And whatever you do, don't search that term on google images. Unlike the basketcase time, this time I'm serious.)

Do NFL players universally wear cups? Somehow I doubt it, based on the penile outlines I saw in the Ravens/Patriots and Giants/49ers games last weekend. They weren't super impressive like that pic of Matthew Fassbender looking pleased at punch with himself while going commando at some red carpet event. But they were clearly there.

Has it become ok for guys to go commando? I mean, as far as I know there are male thongs, so if they're worried about VPL there are other ways to go about it. And isn't it uncomfortable for your junk to be hanging down your leg or getting caught in your zipper? Or is it like airing out a healing wound to rid it of a festering stench? Ew. Gross.

This whole thing is puzzling to me, so I asked my husband for the inside scoop last weekend as we were watching the end of the Giants/49ers game, waiting for AI auditions to start:

Me: Have you ever gone commando?

A: *Shakes head* I don't know why you would. *Pause* Why would you? (Stares at me as I type furiously.)

Me: I'm interviewing you for my blog.

A: *Pause* For several reasons.

Me: What reasons?

A: Well, maybe several isn't right, but, comfort. The crotch and upper part of a pair of jeans is not terribly comfortable, you know what I mean. It's denim. You got the zipper right there. So it's like, I mean there's a reason you wear underwear. You know? It's not like we're Mormon and have more important reasons to wear it. Although I'm sure my underwear has certain magical properties. It can magically produce a brown stripe after several days of wear.

Me: Gross. Do you know if NFL players wear a cup?

A: I would hope so.

Me: Then why did I see the outline of a penis a second ago?

A: Well, I said I would hope so, not that I know for sure.

Me: What about pants that aren't jeans?

A: I've gone commando in sweatpants around the house. I've never gone out. I mean, even swim trunks have built-in underwear. You know me, I'm not a big fan of boxers even. I would say guys who wear boxers are more likely to go commando than guys who don't. *Pause* It's funny, Manning throws to Manningham.

Me: *Eye roll* Do you have any other thoughts on going commando?

A: Where is this coming from?

Me: I wanted to write a blog post about it after I saw that penile outline on that lineman a few minutes ago.

A: I guess I've heard of people going on long hikes and going commando so they don't have to deal with underwear. The underwear provides a barrier between you and certain sensitive areas but it also provides a barrier between your jeans and certain dirty areas. Unless you're feeling very sure of yourself and want to show a bulge, but I don't feel like I have to do that. And that's all I have to say about that.

Me: Fair enough. Thanks honey.

Does your husband/partner/grandpa go commando? Does it creep you out?

The bitch is back.

2012-01-26T12:00:00.000-06:00

Even though I wasn't expecting her until tomorrow, my "friend" as my husband likes to call her, just surprised me in the bathroom at work. I haven't been cramping at all, which I usually do quite a bit before I start bleeding so that's a little weird. But I didn't really have a lot of cramps last month either, also strange.

Erised. I know what I'd see.

So, now that my little "Just Relax" experiment is over, let's do a little reflecting.

This sucks. But it's not nearly as bad as it's been in prior months. I think mainly because I didn't test. I didn't dip something in my urine and wait around, staring at it like some desperately obsessed crazy woman. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a desperately obsessed crazy woman, just without the HPTs. So when my period arrived at work, I had a few minutes of moping, but knew I couldn't fall apart because it would create a bunch of questions I didn't want to deal with. I might yet snap, but hopefully I can hold off until the end of the day. Plus I'm pretty busy at work (just ignore the fact that I'm taking time to write this post) so there are plenty of distractions.

I am so glad I didn't spend my 2WW not exercising, not drinking, and not acting normally. Sure, there were a few minutes each hour when I thought about pregnancy, possibly being pregnant, possibly not, when I'd be due, all the normal bullshit, but for the most part I went about my business and the time passed pretty quickly. I highly recommend this approach, if you can do it. It took me two years to get to this point, though, so if you're not ready, no worries.

The best part? Take that, you "Just relax" mothafuckaz! (said a la Jay and Silent Bob) I just relaxed, I really did. And it still didn't happen.

I encourage you to use me as an example to all those pain in the ass friends and relatives who give you the "Just relax" line. Here is a potential line you can use: See mom? My kick-ass blog friend had a beautiful follicle, a trigger shot, plenty of sex AND she just relaxed and it STILL didn't happen! So lay off!

I will tell you a little secret, though. I really thought I was pregnant. Between the weird little twinges in my ute and the ridiculous exhaustion I've been experiencing every afternoon I thought it had finally happened. Just one more reason not to get any hopes up. At least every month I experience something new and still get my period it makes it easier not to dwell so hard the next month. You know what I mean?

Ugh. I think the cramps are starting. So glad tomorrow is Frivolous Friday!

I'm such a pig.

2012-01-23T16:55:00.001-06:00

ChineseZodiac - Pig

Personality

Occupying the last position in theChinese Zodiac, the 12th, the Pig symbolizes such character traits asdiligence, compassion, and generosity. Pigs enjoy life and because they areentertaining, others enjoy their company. Pigs are giving souls and reap muchenjoyment when they’re helping others, but sometimes they give too much.Honesty is what Pigs give and it’s what they expect to receive in return. (Oh yeah. Liars suffer the wrath.)

Pigs seek peace and will do what isnecessary to maintain it. This trait, while admirable, sometimes makes it easyfor others to take advantage of Pigs (in the past, not anymore). Pigs are always doing for others, helpinganyway they can, but rarely will they ask others for help. This can overwhelmand stress them, but Pigs don’t mind. (That's because we don't trust others to do what we can do better ourselves. I personally am a terrible delegator.)

When it comes to money, Pigs enjoyspending more than saving. (Guilty.) They gravitate towards name brand items (um, yeah, back when they were PePe and Z. Cavaricci. I'm too poor to care much nowadays.). Thriftinesshappens only occasionally, but Pigs do know how to find great deals.

Health

Always seeking fun, Pigs oftenindulge more than they should. Excessive eating, drinking and smoking can causesickness. Pigs aren’t very active and, combined with their excessive behaviors,cause them to gain weight. Pigs are social and being alone makes them unhappy.Pigs would benefit from adopting a healthier lifestyle. (Goddamn you, Chinese zodiac. You know me too well.)

Career

Pigs enjoy helping at work and canalways be counted on. They enjoy opportunities that allow them to express theircreativity. Pigs are detail-oriented, a trait admired by management. Pigsaren’t afraid to take on responsibility. Some good career choices for Pigsinclude: entertainer, caterer, doctor, veterinarian, or interior decorator.They’d do well in retail or hospitality. (Hmm. I guess I can sell the shit out of stuff if I feel like it and I think people really need it.)

Relationships

Supportive and giving, Pigs makegreat partners. They’re affectionate and sexual (ba-Zing!) and prefer staying home togoing out. They enjoy what they have, especially their home and family (which we'd like to increase soon, hint, hint). Oncethey find the right partner, they’re typically committed for the long-term. (Lucky hubby!)

Pigs and the 5 elements

MetalPigs – Years 1911 and 1971

Metal Pigs have a tough exterior,and this strength can be seen in all areas of life. They work diligently andlove with all they have. They’re outspoken and trust others right away.

WaterPigs – Years 1923 and 1983 (That's me! Thus the pig in galoshes!)

Water Pigs are trustworthy almost toa fault. Others can easily influence Water Pigs, but Water Pigs are also goodat influencing others to get what they want. (Mm hmm.) They’re extremely social and enjoyhaving a good time. (Yeah, we should definitely all hang out some day.)

WoodPigs – Years 1935 and 1995

Wood Pigs are the most helpful andare always seeking ways to work with others. In fact, they’ll help others evenwhen others say help isn’t necessary. Big hearts and strong minds characterizeWood Pigs.

FirePigs – Years 1947 and 2007

The fire in Fire Pigs comes throughin everything they do. They’re gutsy risk-takers and once they put their mindsto something, it’s all or nothing. That applies to work, romance and goals.Fire Pigs make excellent leaders and bosses.

EarthPigs – Years 1959 and 2015

Earth Pigs are most content at home,with family. They never approach a task without first formulating a plan. EarthPigs are better at being led than being a leader.

Compatibility

Pigs are most compatible with aRabbit or Goat and incompatible with the Monkey and Snake. Good thinghubby's a, oh shit. He's a monkey. Oh well.

Anyway, Happy Chinese New Year! I'm sure there will be no lovely red envelopes filled with money for me, but hubby has a sty (ha! which is where pigs live! Woot woot!) and stayed home from work today so I'll get to spend the holiday with him! I'm going to drown myself in egg drop soup and chicken lo mein and Downton Abbey season 1. Bliss.

Predict pregnancy with poop!

2012-01-23T09:39:00.001-06:00

TMI alert. I suppose that was pretty obvious by the title, but I feel like if I don't state it I'll be sued, like the lady who sued McDonald's for having hot coffee. Yeah, that's America. Land of the free and home of the litigious dumbass.

Speaking of litigious dumbass, I am not one. I got rear-ended this morning by an older man in a prius. It's slicker than shit outside and he barely tapped me, so when we got out to compare bumpers and they both looked fine, I didn't ask for his insurance card or even his name. I told him to have a nice day and be careful. My case of the Mondays doesn't extend to sweet, apologetic, environmentally conscious senior citizens who rear end me. I suppose I can feel good about that.

Sorry, anyway.

I have a theory. I'm not going to test it because I think that's going too far, even for me. But here goes. I believe my pooping patterns might predict pregnancy. Crazy? Hear me out.

Looks like somebody has a case of the Mondays.

I think when my progesterone drops before I have my period my constipation (probably progesterone-induced, now that I think on it) eases a bit. Then I start getting menstrual cramps and experience the sweetness of regularity for a week to ten days. Then my hormone levels shift again to prep my egg and I have pooping problems up until that progesterone drop a couple weeks later.

Am I willing to test this theory by foregoing my miralax cocktail and living with constipation for weeks at a time? Not really. The only reason this even occurred to me is because I've been too busy to remember to drink my cocktail lately and my body started kicking it out a couple days ago on its own. Of course if my theory is correct, this means I'm not pregnant, but I don't have any indication otherwise that I might be so I'm not surprised.

Granted if I do end up pregnant this month my theory really goes to shit (hee hee), but I think I'm ok with that. Even though it means I'll be stocking up on miralax forever, which I am prepared to do.

What do you think? Is this the craziest thing you've ever heard? Am I overthinking it? Also, in case you're wondering if I'm getting enough fiber in my diet, I'm pretty sure I am. I've been eating clementines and blood orange clementines like they're going out of style and try to do whole grain carbs. This constipation stuff was a problem, even when I was on the old WW plan and getting like a million grams of fiber per day.

CD 27, 12 DPO. Not testing. I repeat. NOT. TESTING. Why ruin the next five days with certainty when I can be oblivious until my period shows up? And if I am pregnant, knowing five days early is just five more days full of worry, so as long as I focus on that, I only think about testing a few dozen times a day, instead of constantly like I have in the past. Definitely an improvement.

January 2012 ICLW

2012-01-22T14:00:00.000-06:00

Don't have enough blogs in your reader? Add mine! I'll add yours! And we'll both continue to suck up all our free time reading blogs upon blogs upon blogs!

Seriously, I don't know what I did before blogs, and I really only got into them last summer. I'm sure I was more productive, both at home and at work, had more free time, and I know I was a fucking basket case. (BTW, don't search google images for basketcase, one word. It will freak you the fuck out. Sorry for the f-bombs. They feel good today for some reason.)

Before I started reading infertility blogs I thought I was alone, that no one else in the world was experiencing what I was. Even though I knew that couldn't possibly be true on a realistic level, I didn't have any physical evidence of it, so therefore it wasn't happening. Once I started reading your blogs I began to understand the hidden world of infertility. I learned so much about the 2WW, drug protocols, ultrasound measurements, miscarriage, stillbirth, pregnancy woes (like real ones, not the "woes" of fertiles), etc. I found women who were going through exactly what I was going through, down to the day of our cycles. I also found women who were both ahead of and behind me in the process and was able to learn from them and give suggestions based on what I found to be helpful. We have a 99.9% supportive community here and that's so precious in the world of anonymous asshole comments and mommy wars.

Keep the ALI community a secret?

Right now, I'm at the point where I simply cannot believe that there are people out there who have no idea these blogs exist. Whether they're fertiles, Twihards, young couples with TTC the last thing on their minds, retirees, ex-cons, the list goes on. I realize there's no reason we should be on their radar. I can't decide if it annoys me that they're so oblivious or if I'm glad we can keep our world our own, for the time being.

Hmm. This post is kind of random.

So. Welcome ICLWers! If you want to learn more about me I encourage you to hit up my TTC Timeline and ICLW Welcome tabs.

In case you're wondering where I am, it's CD 26, 11 DPO and I'm not testing at all this month unless I'm still period-less next Saturday (the 28th). I took 2.5 mg of femara days 5-9, had a 19 mm follicle on my day 13 U/S and we did it all for the nookie this month so we skipped the IUI in favor of sex 48 hours before ovulation and a two-fer on the day of ovulation, both a.m. and p.m. I'm super tired and my uterus pinches occasionally but random symptoms mean nothing to me since they've not resulted in anything in the past, with the exception of a chemical in November.

That's about it for now. Se@crest out. (The last thing I want is searches for that little troll ending up here. Ick.)

Baaaaaad news!

2012-01-20T15:37:00.000-06:00

I'm fine, not in pain, nothing is really wrong, just in case you're worried.

But. American fucking Airlines is canceling their service to India as part of their Chapter 11 reorganization bullshit.

That means that those of us that held tickets purchased with points no longer get to go to India. Fortunately the points weren't mine, and even if they were I'd get them back, but the fact remains that I don't get to go to India in April. I don't get to spend my birthday at the Taj Mahal, which was kind of the plan. At least I hadn't purchased my visa yet or made any hotel arrangements.

Complete and utter bullshit. This better mean I'm pregnant. Progesterone levels be damned.

12 point something?

2012-01-20T15:30:00.000-06:00

I love the guy on the left.

Well, it's obvious I'm not obsessing about my infertility at the moment because I'm not all about the exact numbers. Yesterday Nurse T called and told me my progesterone level (from my Wednesday blood test) was 12 point something. She told me, but I can't quite recall. Meh. It's greater than 10 so ovulation happened and I probably don't need suppositories. She did kind of annoy me when she asked what meds I'm currently taking and when she kept hammering the point that I ovulated. Yes, I know I ovulated, that's what the trigger shot was for. The blood test was to confirm that my progesterone was high enough to not need the suppositories. READ MY CHART.

I also couldn't resist asking if that level might indicate the possibility of a pregnancy, and I made sure to note that I knew it was only 7 DPO so it may not indicate anything besides ovulation. I don't think T listens to me at all because she glossed right over the earliness factor and honed in on the 12 point something progesterone level, which should be more like 25 if I am pregnant. If implantation hadn't occurred yet there's no way it should be that high, right? Oh well. So it's in my head that I'm not pregnant even though I know I shouldn't determine that by T's answer. Fortunately I'm in that good headspace otherwise I'd probably be pretty devastated right now.

Instead I'm preparing to go out tonight with my gay husband for his boyfriend's birthday where I will indulge in one or two Strongbows with a shot of hot damn in them. Sublimely delicious.

Oh, I also got my stitches out Wednesday which was more painful and less disgusting-feeling than I remembered. I'd rather have pain than that nausea-inducing feeling so I'm cool. My finger is scabbing over nicely and I don't even have a band-aid on it.

To add to the randomness of this post, I think one of the little ~~assholes~~ angels I teach stole my gloves. Either that or I swept them off my desk and they flew across the room into a black hole, never to be seen again. I wasn't too sad. The thumb had a hole in it and I got two new pairs of cheap gloves for $3 at WM.

Update: Favorite Nurse M e-mailed me and my progesterone was at 12.2. Hmmm. Should it be higher without implantation? But then whatthefuck?!?! This says if you're pregnant your levels should be at least 10-12 and this says >5, while this says first trimester levels can be anywhere from 9-47. Oh shit. I'm obsessing and I said I wasn't going to do that anymore. But I did learn that if I didn't want to do the suppositories vaginally they can be inserted rectally, too. Faaaaaabulous.

CD 24, 9 DPO. In a good headspace. Period due a week from today. I'm busy enough this next week that I think I can get by without testing. The closer it gets to 5:00 the more I want that hot damn strongbow.

Hmmm. I just re-read this and the slow degradation from "in a good headspace" to "bat-shit insanity" is really visible, and quite comical.

FF: Lyrics Epiphanies

2012-01-20T00:30:00.000-06:00

I LOVE Lyrics Epiphanies! You know, when you've heard a song a million times and were never quite sure what the lyrics were and suddenly, one day it clicks and you finally understand!

I just had a good one (read: embarrassing) with the Phil Collins song "In the Air Tonight". I never understood the word "air". I could never figure out what he was saying. "I can feel it coming in the edge of night? Head of night?" I never knew. I know. Sad. Especially given the title of the song.

Then there are the artists who it seems write their songs for the sheer purpose of the lyrics epiphany. Aerosmith, Uncle Cracker, those fucking Inna-gadda-da-vida guys.

And don't you love when you're singing the song out loud and you have no idea what the lyrics are but you think you do and your husband teases you endlessly for your interpretation? I can't think of any examples now, but there have been many, especially since we listen to 80s music a lot and he was in high school then while I was barely tying my shoes. (Ew, well, that makes it sound gross.) Meaning he was about to reach the prime of his intelligence and I didn't know who Duran Duran was. But then I rubbed Roses by Outkast in his face. I was singing it one day and he's like, "Those aren't the words!" Yes, yes they are my dear. Roses really do smell like poo poo.

I remember my brother always thinking the lyrics of the song "How Bizarre" were "Cow Bazan". Cow bazan, cow bazan. Ha!

What are some lyrics epiphanies you've had? What did you think the words were and how embarrassing was it when you finally figured it out?

I dig music.

Come on, get pregnant. I dare you.

2012-01-15T23:01:00.000-06:00

I'm not doing everything you're supposed to do or not do during your two week wait. In fact, I'm not being a very good two-week waiter at all.

I've been drinking. Not more than 2 or 3 glasses of wine/beers at a time, but I think I've done that twice. I've been killing my buns and thighs with Jillian and plan to do the 6 week six pack tomorrow. (My abs are flabbier than they have ever been because I've been scared to hurt a non-existent baby. I'm done with that.) I've not been eating very healthy, as my dinner of Long John Silver's and dessert of multiple GS cookies will confirm. I chose not to do the prometrium suppositories, hoping my body can at least produce enough progesterone on its own to sustain a pregnancy. If my post-ovulation constipation is any indication, there shouldn't be a problem. I've been having sex more than usual. I think we hit it four times this week, which breaks any record in recent memory.

I feel like I'm daring my body to make me into a cliche. "The woman who did everything wrong and ended up with great results." I know if I don't get pregnant it's probably my own damn fault, but I really can't bring myself to care at this point. I feel like we did all we could when it was up to us to do it. I had a "beautiful follicle" (my nurse's words, flattery will get her everywhere), a 9 mm uterine lining (2 days before ovulation, so it was probably thicker than that even), and sex 48 hours before ovulation and twice on the actual day I ovulated. I know I could eliminate sugar, limit rigorous exercise, limit sex, cut out my fried food intake entirely, but goddammit, I don't fucking feel like it. If my body can't get pregnant and hold onto it as I'm going about my daily business then what chances do I have of carrying a baby to term? I can't live in a bubble for 40 weeks and I'm certainly not doing it during the 2WW anymore.

I've come to the conclusion that I am no longer at the point where I would do absolutely anything to get pregnant. Once I am pregnant, I think I will do anything to stay pregnant, but until then I can't give 100% of myself to just an idea. And I'm happy to report that my marriage and relationship with my husband is fantastic. I've heard 3 or 4 pregnancy announcements in the last week and attended a meeting the other day where, I shit you not, 5 women were at various stages of pregnancy and I was fine. (One of them actually whispered to me, "Katie, guess what? I'm pregnant!" Great! Thanks for making the point to tell me that!) I made a couple of snarky comments to a couple of friends who know my situation, but I was still genuinely happy for all of those women. If the pregnancy vibe in the room didn't rub off on me then nothing will. 5! 5 pregnant women in one meeting. Granted there were probably 30 people at the meeting, but that's 1 in 6 of the total attendees and probably 1 in 3 of the women. Seriously. Outrageous.

I'm staying pretty busy, I'm not dwelling nearly as much as I have in the past, I'm working on a promotion at work, I'm teaching two nights a week, I'm re-reading a bunch of books from my childhood, I'm catching up on my ABC shows and starting the final season of Big Love. I'm happier than I have been in months, maybe years. And I have some kick ass blog friends who have seen my at my lowest and now at my highest and have been there for me through all of it. Kick. Ass.

CD 19, 4 DPO. Getting a blood test Wednesday a.m. to check progesterone levels and probably HCG levels, too.

FF: Celebrity crushes

2012-01-13T08:56:00.000-06:00

I couldn't wait to write a lighter post after yesterday, so I'm so glad it's Frivolous Friday again! I'd kind of taken a break from FF, but I'm ready to get back to it.

Ok, ladies. Until Wednesday night, I did not understand what the big deal was about Ryan Gosling. Women and gay men have been drooling over him for a while, now, and I just did not get it.

Then I watched Crazy, Stupid, Love. Now I'm a fan. I may even have a slight celebrity crush.

Spoiler alert.

Sure, he's charming and sexy and funny while he's hittin' on all the ladies at the bar and teaching Steve Carell how to be a playa (like player, not beach), but I "fell in love" with him during the scene with Emma Stone in his house. When she's being so adorable and funny and he finally starts letting go of the persona and they just lay in bed and laugh and talk the whole night, without even having sex. So much of that stuff reminds me of just laughing in bed with A and I'm sure finding elements of my husband in Ryan Gosling's character helped the celebrity crush develop.

Ultimately, I suppose I just have a crush on his character from the movie, but now I understand why he moves the pants in the gay community and causes women to fan themselves.

Do you have a celebrity crush? Do you remember when and how that crush formed? I used to have a crush on Michael Douglas when I was 8 and watched A Chorus Line at my grandma's house. Then I saw Basic Instinct and it was kind of ruined for me. Ryan Gosling is definitely a step in the right direction.

Have a great weekend!

I'm going to judge this woman. Hard.

2012-01-12T09:31:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I always pride myself on really trying not to judge because everybody walks their own path, makes their own choices, etc. and has their own reasons for acting the way they do.

Not in this case. I'll give you a minute to read that. If you're not feeling like you're prepared to be horrified at the moment, come back later.

Now that you're probably not only horrified but supremely pissed off, bear witness to my judgment:

Dear Jackie Burkle,

Fuck you.

I don't care if you are certifiably insane, clinically depressed, or just a nice girl who didn't want her babies. You murdered your newborn twins. You took two lives, lives that had only begun and had who knows how much potential. Lives that were created and grew for months in your body. Lives that your body nourished and brought into this world. You were supposed to protect those babies.

Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't want them? I did. So did millions of other infertile women in this world.

Who the hell do you think you are? You are 22 years old and were lucky enough to conceive easily, and twins at that. If you didn't want your babies, you could have had an abortion. That was your choice, as a woman with reproductive autonomy. A lot of women and men fought long and hard so you could have that choice and yet you chose to carry your babies, birth them, and then kill them, and you knew all along you were going to do that?

That's what really pisses me off, Jackie. You said yourself you were not intending at any time that they should live. You knew you were going to end their lives when they were born. What the fuck, Jackie.

I'm sure you've heard of adoption. It's when a woman knows that she's not the best person to parent her baby (or babies) and makes the choice to allow another individual(s) to parent them, love them, raise them, protect them. What's that? Adoption can be difficult and finding adoptive parents takes time and there are lawyers involved? I get that. I can understand how someone wouldn't want to have to deal with that.

But here's the thing, Jackie. Iowa has a safe haven law. That means if a woman doesn't want her baby (or babies), she can drop them off at any hospital, fire station, police station (there's one across the street from your residence) without any legal ramifications. It would be nice to actually leave them with a person, but if you needed to wrap them up in blankets and leave them in a laundry basket that would have been ok, too.

Look, I'm trying really hard not to judge you. This article helps me humanize you a little bit, but then I go back to the fact that you knew you were going to kill your babies. You had no intention of letting them live, which means you had time to see what your other options were and you didn't consider them.

What a waste. A waste of their lives, a waste of yours. I hope you spend the rest of your life in prison and that you get the mental help you so clearly need.

With much anger and confusion,
Katie

This happened 15 miles from me. I know people whose siblings went to school with her. I have friends who live right down the street from her. And I hate her. I reserve the "H" word for things and actions mainly, not usually people, but I can honestly say I hate this woman. I would have taken those babies in a heartbeat, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Fuck you, Jackie Burkle. Fuck you.

Plastic forks + Scotcheroos = Pain

2012-01-11T18:30:00.000-06:00

So. Not. Worth it. Not only will I never use any form of utensil to eat a sticky treat of any kind again but I don't think a scotcheroo will ever pass my lips.

Read here and here to get up to speed. I'll wait.

After that terrible ordeal at my GP's office I thought the little fucker was out. I couldn't have gone through all that pain for nothing, right? Ha! Once another month had passed and my finger was still swollen and painful to the touch I made an appointment with the dermatologist who along with my GP had dug around in my finger in November. My appointment was the day after Xmas and I paid my $10 co-pay to be told that he wanted me to see a hand surgeon. I cannot imagine how pissed I would have been had I had to pay for an entire visit and not just a co-pay. I couldn't get into the hand surgeon's office until January 3rd, so in the meantime he prescribed me antibiotics that should get rid of any skin infections if that's what it was.

After a nasty regimen of sulpheric antibiotics four times a day it became clear that it wasn't a skin infection and imagine my relief when the hand surgeon immediately looked at it and said, "Oh yeah, there's somethin' in there." So glad I paid another $10 co-pay to hear that. Then he told me he'd have me come in later in the week, he'd numb the area with a couple of shots then make two cuts around the area so he could remove a chunk of flesh that hopefully contained the offending piece. Ok, great.

"Surgery" day rolls around. I hesitate to call it surgery because, if anything, it was minor surgery, but it involved needles and cutting and sterilization and Tom Petty so I'm calling it surgery.

I arrive at the clinic, the nurse takes me back, has me lay down on an adjustable surgery chair and puts on the Tom Petty as we wait for the Dr. He's there a minute later with his sleeves rolled up, looking relaxed as anything. Physically this guy is very inoffensive looking. Shorter, thin, glasses, mid-30s probably. Very non-threatening and with a sense of humor, so that helped. Plus he likes Tom Petty, so I couldn't dislike him. Even when what he was about to do sucked more than anything had ever sucked before.

After much sterilizing and incision marking, my iodine covered arm was laid down, draped with surgical paper and prepped for shots. Those shots were such a bitch. I needed a hand to squeeze and there was nothing there so I just breathed deeply and waited for it to be over. He injected the anesthetic in three places on the back of my hand and one more place on my palm at the base of my right ring finger. Sting and a burn my ass. More like sharp knives and hell's fire. I almost cried, and I don't cry easily, from pain at least.

Piece of plastic. Ok, it doesn't look that big but it felt like it.

Once it was all numbed up he put on his special "exploratory" glasses and got to work. He had to tie my finger in a tourniquet to keep the blood out of the wound so he could see, he made the cuts and after a minute or two he held up a pair of tweezers with a teeny bit of plastic in its grip. Is this the culprit? My response: "Holy shit, that's a big-ass piece of plastic! I'm so glad I wasn't imagining things!"

Piece of plastic on the right. Piece of finger on the left.

I asked if I could keep it but he said he had to send it in to be analyzed but I could take a picture of it. Fair enough. He sewed up my finger (four stitches. Yuck.) and left the nurse to clean me up and bandage my hand. Once she was done I took a pic of the piece of plastic as well as the piece of plastic in addition to the piece of finger he hacked off.

I was given tylenol with codeine for the pain and my stomach wasn't full enough when I took it because it made me vomit and for a while it wasn't even helping so I was almost crying from the tingling pain of the numbing meds wearing off. The pain of the finger now isn't so bad, but it was like constant needles when the numbing was wearing off.

And now, for the grand finale. My slightly dented and quite disgusting-looking finger, complete with four stitches:

In the bottom photo you can kind of see how my finger will look a bit leaner once the stitches come out. Fortunately the hand surgeon is also a plastic surgeon so the scarring should be minimal. *Shudder.* I hate getting stitches out. Such a disgusting feeling.

CD 15. I am ovulating today. I know it isn't just a spikey turd pushing its way through because I've been drinking my miralax cocktail religiously and it's working. I'm going to have blood work done a week from today to check my progesterone levels (and probably a beta, now that I think of it, although it will probably be too early) to see if I was right to think the pink vagina bb's were unnecessary or if I should be kicking myself. Happy birthday to the hubby! I got him a new winter hat and some blood orange gelato, not to mention nookie twice in one day, well, if he's up for it when he gets home from work at 10:30. (No pun intended.)

Really? Awesome!

2012-01-10T16:12:00.001-06:00

My prescription wasn't in this morning. My meds were on their way to the pharmacy but the prescription hadn't been called/faxed in. Not only did the nurse tell me she was doing it last week but then once that hadn't been done she told me she would do it last night. This morning, still not done. (Refer to title of post, with sarcasm.) Fortunately I called my pharmacy this morning to make sure it was there, found out it wasn't, and called the U of I. L was the nurse on duty at the time and within 20 minutes I got an e-mail on My Chart saying it had been sent through. Thank you L!

I did e-mail my favorite nurse, M, to ask about the necessity of the prometrium. She did say that they usually only do it with patients who do IUIs with injectables or anyone who has had a miscarriage or requests it. She had L call me to talk with me about my options and so I talked to L for about 15 minutes about the suppositories. We came to the conclusion that since I haven't ever had any known progesterone deficiency issues that I probably didn't need to do the suppositories. Especially since I'm doing the HCG trigger shots, which would, if anything, further increase progesterone.

She asked me if I'd ever had my progesterone tested post-ovulation and I told her no. I told her I had asked a different U of I nurse for post-ovulation monitoring and that nurse didn't know what I meant. I had asked if I could have my progesterone tested and she said, "Oh, we don't do that." L was a little appalled to hear that and said it's so hard to figure all of this out because there are several different doctors and they all do things a little differently. I understand that. I just wish each doctor had a nurse and she/he dealt with all of that doctor's patients. Permanently.

But I suppose then I wouldn't get these mixed messages which force me to clarify the necessity of something. It's nice to be told I don't need to do something, especially if it's a consensus reached by a nurse and myself. So no more buttery vagina for me! (Refer to title of post again, only not sarcastically.)

I ended up finally giving myself the shot just before noon. Which means we won't be sexing it up exactly 24 hours after the shot tomorrow but about 22 hours after, before A has to go to work. Then hopefully again once he gets home from work. Remember that birthday nookie thing? Tomorrow is totally his birthday. And I'll have to make it extra special because . . .

My husband has quit smoking. (Refer to title of post for the third and final time. Again, lose the sarcasm.)

That's right, Sunday was the day. He's using some nicotine lozenges for probably the next 6 weeks or so but hopefully after that he will be done. I told him I would do anything to help him and he said the one thing I need to do was walk away and not engage him if he was starting shit for no reason. Hmm. Can I do that? Can I be the more mature half of this couple for once and not engage once shit has been started? If it means he permanently quits smoking I can do just about anything!

Yeah for the hubby! I'm so proud of him.

CD 14. Triggered this morning (well, noon), pants off dance off last night, tomorrow morning, tomorrow night. Happy Birthday husband!

Pulling my hair out. Again.

2012-01-09T16:09:00.004-06:00

Ok. It's for sure now. My U of I nurses don't listen to me and don't make much of an effort when it comes to my chart and situation.

Just got a call back from T at the U of I. Here's how it went:

Me: This is Katie.

T: Hi Katie, this is T from the U of I RE Clinic, how are you?

Me: Fine, thanks.

T: Well, it looks like you had a really good ultrasound, with one follicle at 18.5 and one at 19.9 and your stripe looks good at 8 mm.

Me: Are you sure those aren't measurements for the same follicle, I thought I only had one?

T: No, it looks like there are two here. Oh no, wait, you're right there's only one follicle. So we'll go ahead and have you trigger tonight and were you going to do your IUI here again?

Me: No, we're not doing an IUI this month (I told her that last week) and triggering tonight might be a problem because you told me my refill of Ovidrel was good to go but they don't have it ready at my pharmacy and won't get it until tomorrow (I was stupid and believed everything was fine when she told me I was good to go and just called today to make sure my pharmacy had it in stock.)

T: Well, do you want to call around to the other pharmacies and see if they have it on hand so you can trigger tonight?

Me: Sure, I can try. Is it ok if I trigger tomorrow if I have to?

T: That should be ok, as long as you do your timed intercourse 24 and 36 hours after your trigger shot.

Me: Ok, thanks. Also when do I start the prometrium suppositories?

T: The day after your timed intercourse. Ok, call us before 5:00.

So I called around town to see if anyone carries Ovidrel and, surprise, surprise, they don't. So I called back. And here's where it gets really awesome.

Bee: Hi Katie, it's Bee (yippee. We all know how I feel about Bee), I know T has your chart so I'm going to try to track her down. In the meantime where do you want this prescription sent.

Me: To the Walgreens on Duff. (It's closer to work so I can go pick it up in the morning.)

Bee: Ok, I'll have it sent there and, oh, here's T, you can talk to her.

T: Hi Katie, no one carries it?

Me: No, and I just told Bee the wrong pharmacy. I've been talking to the North Grand Walgreens pharmacy about having this in stock so the prescription should probably be sent there instead.

T: But Bee has the Duff pharmacy written down.

Me: I know, I would prefer to go there but all my other stuff has been sent to the North Grand location and I've been talking to someone there about ordering the Ovidrel so I should probably have it sent there.

T: Katie, you're making me crazy, you want it sent to Duff then? (I'm making her crazy?!?! That's probably not in the "Dealing with Infertiles" sensitivity training.)

Me: (After taking a deep breath) Welcome to my world. No, just send everything to the North Grand Walgreens.

T: Ok. And the progesterone suppositories too? Why are you taking those? Usually we only do those with injectables?

Me: Because after my last IUI M told me the protocol for IUIs was to follow up with the prometrium so that's what I'm doing. (I'm pretty sure M is her boss, by the way.)

T: Ohhh . . .kay. So you'll trigger tomorrow and make sure you have timed intercourse both 24 and 36 hours after the injection. And the progesterone will delay your period a few days so make sure you test two weeks from when you ovulate. Good luck!

Me: Thanks. I'll call you with either a negative or positive test result in a couple weeks.

Was I just too confusing? Did I talk in too many circles? It sounded like they were busy but I'm striking out on these phone conversations, which cost me $45 a month, by the way. So much for a stress free cycle. Oh well. Triggering tomorrow morning instead of tonight actually works better with our sex schedule.

At this point I'm fairly confident I could just self-prescribe my trigger shot and avoid these conversations altogether. I'm sure they'd be pissed, but seriously, these phone calls are really annoying. Oh well. Only a few more months of this and then my worries migrate elsewhere.

Let me see your body rock

2012-01-09T14:58:00.001-06:00

I have thrown a lot at my body these past couple weeks. Lots of sugar, not a lot of exercise but when I did it was Jillian (sorry hamstrings!), minor hand surgery (pics coming soon, Izzy), lots of tylenol with codeine that made it sick, etc. To top that off it only got 2.5 mg of femara on days 5-9 this month.

In spite of all that my body rocks. I had my CD 13 U/S this morning. A came with me (to the right place this time) and my favorite tech measured my 8.9 mm stripe and the 19 mm follicle on my RIGHT ovary! Nice job, body! I'm tempted to forego anymore 5 mg doses of femara if the lower dose not only knocks out a decent-sized follicle on my lazy right ovary but a decently thick stripe, too.

Since we're no longer doing IUIs, the pants off dance off begins tonight! Wish me luck that I can successfully copulate with my husband with four stitches in my right ring finger. I don't need that finger for anything, do I? Ok, don't answer that.

My finger, and the hand attached to it, is just about up to writing a post about my "surgery" so you can expect that in the next couple days. Thanks for all the healing vibes!

Shortest post ever

2012-01-06T09:25:00.001-06:00

This will be quick because I just had minor surgery on my finger to finally remove that offending piece of plastic fork.

The ex-lesbian cousin is pregnant. But it's cool because every time I get sad about it I google Santorum and it cheers me up immediately. Try it. Works every time.

Caucus? What caucus?

2012-01-03T11:15:00.001-06:00

Have you seen this yet? I totally know this dude by the way. He's awesome, as is fully evidenced by the video, which is NSFW, by the way.

If you live in a state where you feel like you're misunderstood, this is definitely something you should watch.

And now, the political rant begins. It will not be incredibly well researched, solely fact-based or anything you can get on CNN. These are my perceptions from months of caucus crap. Agree, disagree, agree to disagree. I care not. I hate politics so much right now I'm going to hole up in my basement and play the Sims for the next 11 months.

International visitors, feel free to skip this one. Fellow Americans, you can skip too, although if you plan to caucus or to vote Republican, at least make sure you've checked out your candidate's website. I have taken the time to link to each candidate's web page (and a few articles detailing their campaign trail) so you can easily debunk anything I'm saying if you do make your decisions based on fact and not on the quality and content of political ads as the candidates are expecting Iowans to do tonight.

I will not be caucusing tonight. I'm not generally of the conservative persuasion which exempts me from being required to have an official opinion at this point in the election process, thank god. You get my unofficial opinion, which must be taken with a grain of salt. I was a political science major for about five minutes in college so all I know is what I get from the 24 hour news circus, the websites and the goddamn television ads.

I'm sure most of you haven't been bombarded with the ridiculous political ads we Iowans have been subjected to so with respect for your sanity, don't watch them. I've seen them all and here's what I sum up about the candidates based partly on the mudslinging they do to each other while I'm trying to peacefully watch television and partly on what I hear on CNN every morning since I'm married to a news junkie:

Michele Bachmann: Does not answer direct questions. Ever. David Gregory, I tip my hat to you for trying, but it was futile, am I right? Contradicts herself almost constantly. Thinks gay people should be allowed to marry . . . as long as they marry a member of the opposite sex. Had a sell-out campaign manager. Owns a Christian counseling center with husband, Marcus where they deny they help patients pray the gay away. Is from Waterloo, Iowa, thereby making her "one of us" so we should vote for her. Is now trying to play the gender card by differentiating herself as the "strong woman candidate".

Newt Gingrich: Makes mistakes (which, as a politician he is not allowed to do, apparently because politicians are not human and therefore never screw up or change their minds), ~~occasionally compromises with Democrats~~ is in cahoots with Nancy Pelosi, is morally corrupt (is on his third wife, after adultery allegations, which affects his political decision-making abilities?), films his commercials in a pretty swanky library, is a Washington insider. Whatever the hell that means.

*Interesting side note: going to newtgingrich.com took me first to a Greek travel site, then to Tiffany's.

Ron Paul: Endorsed by Kelly Clarkson. Believes the government has no place in people's bedrooms (thank you for that, sir. It sucks that you get flack from people for stating the obvious.) Wants to do away with the IRS, most of the Departments (Energy, HHS, Education, etc.), wants no taxes. (Are we talking about Ron Paul or Ron Swanson?) Put a 10 minute ad at the beginning of You Tube videos for computers with an Iowa IP address (I'm assuming not everyone had to watch those), but to be fair you could skip it after 10 seconds. Has some pretty kick-ass monster truck-like political ads, presumably to attract the "young crowd". For me they're reminiscent of the "Gay Shows" intro segment from The Soup.

Rick Perry: Says some liberals think religion makes you weak (I have never heard anyone say that, let alone any liberals. Show of hands? Yeah, this guy makes shit up.) Thinks there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military and schools don't let kids openly celebrate Christmas. (Um, ok. Pretty sure Christmas is celebrated pretty openly as it's a fucking national holiday, regardless of what you believe.) Married his high school sweetheart, is from small-town Texas, created over a million jobs in Texas (doesn't say where or doing what, just created them), a true conservative, proud of his religion, a Washington outsider. Again, whatever the hell that means.

Mitt Romney: Thinks corporations are people, looked a gay veteran in the eyes and told him he didn't think he should have equal rights, has a shit-ton of sons (one or two of them are hot). Has boring television ads that make him look like the biggest cliche of the American dream I've ever seen. I have a friend (a straight male friend) who is in love with this man and I just cannot understand it. Actual first name is Willard.

Rick Santorum: Bob Van der Plaats supports this man. If you don't know who Bob Van der Plaats is, read this. He's pretty much the poster child for that whole organization. Separation of church and state much? I realize that that's not technically in the constitution but wow. Plus Santorum's commercials are so low budget I could have produced them in high school. It's sad but true. The production quality of your commercials is more important than what they say. To me at least. But Santorum has been walking in parades here since July so that's something, right? Riiiiiiiiiiight.

Jon Huntsman: Said, "They pick corn in Iowa, and pick presidents here in New Hampshire." I have yet to see a single Huntsman ad and I think he's only visited Iowa twice. Screw you, too, dude. It's too bad, really, because I think his stance on a lot of issues is really good. Except the "American Exceptionalism" bullshit. And you wonder why other countries hate us! Seriously. I want to like him, but I can't justify it.

Are there others? If there are, I have no idea who they are.

Do we see a pattern here? Nothing of actual substance in the majority of the ads. Most of these candidates are banking on their ~~loudly~~ firmly held socially conservative views, most of which have no place in politics. All I hear are the words "family", "true conservative", "war on religion", "Washington insider" or "outsider". All these buzz words for the "true conservative" voter. When the time comes to try to win the moderate voters they'll maybe start talking about the economy, job creation, foreign policy, etc. I hate the primaries.

Although I will say I think the candidates have overestimated the percentage of Iowa Republicans who will vote based solely on those conservative issues. I say Paul or Romney will take it tonight.

This has been your Republican rundown with The Cornfed Feminist. Stay tuned for a post-caucus rant on over-dramatized media coverage and 15 minutes of fame ~~douchebags~~ seekers.

I'm turning a corner

2011-12-30T11:04:00.002-06:00

I had another one of my crazy dreams last night. In the first part of it I was in a swimsuit, hanging out with a friend I traveled with to Australia and she pointed out that she could see my tampon string. In the second half there was this little baby boy and his birth mother was trying to decide who should adopt him. There was a gay couple, a lesbian couple, and us. I didn't have my hopes up but then the birth mother started talking about how she wanted him to be bilingual and I told her I spoke decent Spanish and was planning to have him in bilingual daycare and I thought that sealed the deal. She ended up placing him with the lesbian couple and I bawled on both of the women's shoulders before they took the baby away.

It's really easy to know where my subconscious pulled this stuff from. My period started Wednesday and I bought a bright, shiny new box of tampons. We've been watching American Horror Story where the gay couple really wanted a baby. I just wrote a post on pregnant lesbians. And we've been seriously considering adoption and child-free living.

2012 will be the last year we actively try to get pregnant. If I'm not pregnant by the end of next year, I'm going back on the pill. And to be honest, I'm kind of looking forward to it. I'm tired of the acne, the weight gain, the hair loss (on my head), the extra hair (on my lip and chin), the emotional stress of the monthly roller coaster.

When I found myself feeling jealous of Rebecca's decision the other day, I knew something had shifted in the way I'm viewing TTC and my infertility.

After my chemical pregnancy I thought, ok, this is it. My body can do this and I will get pregnant. After last month, that horrific IUI, the suppositories, and then the period, I'm about to my breaking point. My body is not my own and that would be one thing if it was housing a baby, but there's nothing good coming from this and it's not worth it for me anymore.

I'll keep plodding away for the next three months. I think that's how much longer my RE will let me continue with our current protocol. After that I'll either find grant funding or trials to get in on for IVF or I'll talk my RE into letting us do a few more months of femara with a trigger shot. If none of that pans out and 2013 gets here before I get a sticky BFP, I'll be back on the BCP.

We might try to adopt. That dream makes me think it could be possible for us. We might try foster to adopt. There are a lot of kids here in Iowa who need stable homes. Or we might choose to live child-free.

For the past two years I've thought my only option was to have a baby. No matter how, regardless of the cost, the emotional toil, the strain on our marriage, the baby choice was my only choice. I don't know why I was so adamant. I knew the other options existed. I read Navigating the Land of IF. I just didn't think I would need those other options. Turns out I do and now that I know they're really options for us, the stress of getting pregnant has been greatly reduced.

We're not doing any more IUIs. I could handle more, but I don't need that stress. I'd rather have more sex and it really takes the stress level down to know I don't have to worry about timing or our work schedules or A wanking into a cup and me having my cervix pinched. It's such a relief to cut those out entirely. There are no problems with A's sperm so it's really not worth it to go through all that.

I'm going to focus on my upcoming travel plans, on getting a raise at work, on teaching a couple of classes at a local community college this semester. I'll still get my CD 12 or 13 ultrasound. I'll still give myself my trigger shot. I'll have a lot more enjoyable sex. I'll still have a buttered popcorn-scented vagina. But I'm taking a cue from Rachel and foregoing the 2WW. I'll test 14 DPO with an internet cheapie just so I can stop the prometrium if it's negative. I'll go about my life, I'll work out and even do abdominal exercises throughout the month. I'll go out with friends, I'll drink, I'll enjoy time with my husband.

And all that is starting today. My husband and I are going out with friends in downtown Des Moines tonight. The pregnant bestie is driving so we can go crazy.

The usual disclaimer: I reserve the right to change my mind about any of this at any time, but this is where my head is right now and it's such a relief.

CD 3. Taking 2.5 mg of femara again since my mail order pharmacy meds won't ship until January 5th. Fortunately I have that femara leftover from the cycle I decided to do 2.5 mg instead of 5 mg but already had the prescription filled. The last time I did the 2.5 mg of femara I had three mature follicles so it's worth a shot. I'm taking it days 5-9 this cycle since I won't be able to get an ultrasound until CD 13 anyway. We'll see. Have a lovely day!

Pregnant lesbians are awesome. Usually.

2011-12-27T15:24:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I have this cousin and she's my favorite relative. She and I are the black sheep of our family. While everyone else is straight-laced and afraid of change and diversity, she and I have always embraced our inner freak and accepted people for who they are.

At the final HP book midnight release party she told A and I that she was a lesbian. I'm not sure how it came about but I hugged her and told her it was about time she was telling me since I guess she'd had a girlfriend since high school (at that point she was maybe 20). It didn't come out of nowhere but it wasn't something I had really suspected. Whatever. She's my favorite and her being a lesbian just endeared her more to me because she was finally really being herself.

A couple years ago she met this woman at a bar and promptly U-hauled with her for the next year or so. The woman was in her early forties with a teenage son so there were built-in issues but it seemed to work ok for a while. About a year ago my cousin said her girlfriend was too controlling and moved out. This summer at Pride I met her new boyfriend. Yes, my lesbian cousin had met a guy at work and started dating him. He's cool and everything, although I wasn't sure if she would stick to guys or date mostly women.

A couple months after Pride, so late summer, I had a dream that my cousin was pregnant. I thought it was funny so I FB messaged her and said, "Ha ha, I had a dream you were pregnant. Isn't that funny?" Not two minutes later she replied with, "Holy shit, I'm freaking out right now because I actually might be and if I am it's not my boyfriend's and you totally just dreamed it." Hold up. No. No no no no no no no. My lesbian (ok, bisexual) cousin cannot get pregnant before me. That would just be too, too much. Turns out she wasn't and the other guy was a mistake and she and her boyfriend kept on dating and everything was great.

A couple months ago she found out he lied to her about his age. He isn't 27, as he had originally told her. He is 37. She found out on his birthday and was justifiably pissed at him. I guess a 10 year age lie didn't bother her too much though, because they just got engaged on Christmas. I have to keep reminding myself that their timeline looks really familiar (it's almost exactly the timeline A and I had for our friendship/courtship/marriage) so I should in no way be judging. As long as she's not pregnant, their wedding is great news.

As soon as I saw the FB announcement about their engagement I texted her and asked her if she was pregnant (I realize that sentence was proof that no one talks to each other in person anymore, but that is helpful for me as an infertile). She said no and I felt such relief. I didn't want to be upset in any way about her good news so that was a great weight lifted.

Then I saw her at our family Xmas yesterday. As soon as we were out of earshot of anyone else she said, "You know that question you asked me yesterday? Well, I might be. I don't know for sure, but that's not why we're getting married." W.T.F. Ok, I don't care if you do get married because you're pregnant. And if you are pregnant I'll be supremely annoyed but you're still my favorite. What really bugs me is that you don't know. How can you not know? How can you be so out of touch with your cycle? Of course I didn't say any of that and just told her she better take a test and tell me as soon as she knows.

I swear to god if my lesbian (ok, bisexual) cousin who works at Starbucks part-time gets pregnant before me I will freak the fuck out. This shit is just getting ridiculous.

CD 33, 17 DPO. Stopped prometrium after Xmas and finally started cramping a bit today. Internet HPT negative yesterday. Just waiting for AF at this point.

My grown-up Xmas list

2011-12-25T01:00:00.000-06:00

1. No more lives torn apart and everything else in the song.
2. A baby, specifically, a sticky baby and a BFP in January.

Why January? Oh there are a lot of good reasons. And I'm about to do the thinking ahead thing that I always do and hate myself for, but oh well.

January is the best month for me to get pregnant because (and I realize I will probably make this list in February, March and April, too. Just go with it.):

1. If the calendar is correct I'll get pregnant on my husband's birthday. Yeah for birthday nookie!

2. Being in the early stages of pregnancy will make winter go by faster. The past couple years I've traveled in February or March so obsessing over first trimester worries would take my mind off the depths of winter despair.

I want this in my mouth right now.

3. I'd be through my first trimester by the time I need to go to India. The only thing that makes me nervous about this is Delhi belly and dehydration, but one of my good friends just got back from India and had absolutely no upset stomach, so I'll learn her secrets. It's only for five days, so I'm sure I can eat granola bars if I have to. Although I've been craving Indian food so hard and plan to go at least twice over my staycation. Hey, someone who's been to India or lives in India and has had Indian food in the U.S.: Is Indian food in the U.S. a decent translation of Indian food in India? I just want to make sure it's not like totally unauthentic U.S. Chinese food and I'm prepared.

4. The weather will be accommodating for exercise. Once my first trimester is over and I feel like exercising again (this is assuming I don't feel like exercising in the first trimester because I'm only relying on stereotypes here since I have no personal experience) the weather will just be getting pleasant.

5. I should still be able to do my summer travel. I'm heading to Houston in May, there's a possibility I'll go to Jordan in June (right at viability time) and I'm definitely going to Hungary and Italy in July (hmmm, 29 weeks pregnant, Europe, summer. Hmmm. We'll see about that one.) This travel is all for work but it gets me out of the country and since I start to go a little crazy if I don't get occasional reminders that there is a huge world outside of Iowa, I don't mind.

6. I have a work project that lasts from mid-July to mid-November. If I were pregnant, I could skip the last month or so of the project which would be fantastic. And I wouldn't feel too guilty since the majority of it I could do before maternity leave. I'm not usually super busy in November and December, so it's a good time to be on maternity leave.

7. Ah, maternity leave. Getting knocked up in January puts me at an early October due date. I think October is a fabulous month to have a baby and the best part is it takes my maternity leave through Christmas and since there are a few paid holidays between early October and the end of December that's a few more days I can extend my leave. I should have enough sick time to take 8 or 9 weeks and then if I want I can use vacation for 3 or 4 more weeks. Ideally. We'll see. I know I'm really lucky to be able to bank sick leave and vacation time like that and I plan to fully take advantage of it.

8. Baby by Christmas. One more Christmas without a baby might very well send me off the edge. So for my sanity, Universe, God, Mother Nature, Science, whoever the hell doles these baby things out, please take note. I NEED TO HAVE A BABY IN 2012. At least before the apocalypse.

Merry Christmas, by the way. I don't think anyone will be offended if I say that since today is actually Christmas. And I'm not exactly sure who gets offended when people say it because I know a lot of people who don't celebrate it who don't give a shit what people say. I've only heard people get offended that they can't say it, although I'm not sure who's telling them they can't say it since no has told me I can't say it. Personally I'm not 100% sure Jesus existed, let alone was born today and I'm not in the least bit offended if people say it. Whatever. It's just one more insignificant thing to bitch about so people can distract themselves from their actual problems. Get a blog, people!

She's starting to get it. It's a Christmas miracle!

2011-12-24T01:00:00.000-06:00

I was chatting on the phone with my mom the other night, trying to figure out which parent we have to go to church with on Christmas Eve. My mom always gets a little bent out of shape when we go to church with my dad and it's puzzling to me because if she really cared about our spiritual welfare she wouldn't care where we went as long as we were there. And I told her so.

She admitted that it's selfish of her to want to show her kids off to everyone at church but it's so nice to have us with her. She's funny. I told her that honestly, this year it's easier for me to go to my dad's church because I don't know anyone there and no one knows me. No baby questions, no pregnancy announcements. Ahhh, sweet relief. I told her I feel like a fertility failure and don't really need people being nosy, no matter how well-meaning they are. I told her I don't need people telling me to relax, because that's usually the first thing they throw out.

She asked me who has said that to me. Well, actually my little sister said it just the other night, my mom has said it before and I'm pretty sure I recall at least one of my grandmas saying it. I told her that and she asked me one of the most sensitive questions she's ever asked: Is there a good time in the month to talk to you about this stuff? She asked it genuinely so it didn't upset me at all. I told her the best time is shortly after ovulation when I'm in my hopeful stage and that the worst time is when I get my period.

She's starting to ask and she's starting to listen. I really do think it stems from her getting more involved by buying two of my trigger shots and tracking my progress.

I'm getting closer to coming out of the fertility closet. People's insensitivity is really starting to get to me. Remember that woman at the ornament exchange who was obnoxious about finding out she was having twins? Yeah. She'd been trying for five years. Granted, according to our mutual friend everything is a production with her, but I'd think a little sensitivity would be in order. Whatever. I'm glad she's finally getting her babies after trying for so long. Just another reason for me to keep mum about things if I ever get mine.

But I don't know how much longer I can keep quiet about the process. All these people who keep getting pregnant so easily need to know about us. Not to make them feel guilty about bitching and complaining about their own kids, but because they need to get comfortable with infertility. They need to know it's happening to a lot of us. They need to know so we're not so stigmatized and they especially need to know because we don't always have the means of creating our families and that needs to change. Insurance needs to cover our disease and treatments. We can't help what's happening to us and if our infertility was recognized by society as something we can't control, we wouldn't be so intent on blaming ourselves. Because I'm so tired of blaming myself. I know I shouldn't. I know. But that doesn't mean I stop.

Same reason I'm going to pee on an internet cheapie tomorrow morning. I drank 3 beers last night and loaded up on the fried food. I started a course of antibiotics for my fucking finger, which is still not healed and I'm about to go for a run. I figure if there's a Christmas miracle to be had, it will show itself tomorrow, now that I've done enough to make me feel guilty for harming a developing fetus. Damn the hope cycle. Damn it all to the bowels of Dante's cold, frozen 9th circle of hell.

FF: Favorite Xmas movies

2011-12-23T01:00:00.000-06:00

It's Frivolous Friday again, and I am so glad.

Here are a few clips from my most favorite Xmas movies of all time. I'll make this easy on you ICLWers and ask you to leave a comment telling me what your favorite Xmas movie is. You can tell us why if you want, otherwise a simple title will do.

Love Actually - I always lose it when he mouths "I'll take you down."

Bad Santa - On my own head? (Probably not safe for work.)

Die Hard - Duh

Home Alone -
Not posting a clip. It only made my list because it reminds me of the innocent sense of humor I once had. But speaking of McCauley Culkin, have you seen Saved? Such a good movie! But whatever you do, don't search for clips of it. I'm going to regret that search for a while.

That's going to have to be it. All the other ones are kids movies or Hallmark movies and I don't want to search for clips for those.

Have a nice weekend! I'm sure I'll post at some point, but I need to get back to commenting.

Phone frustration

2011-12-22T16:02:00.000-06:00

I thought I'd get a jump on figuring out my protocol for next month, what with the holidays and all. I called the U of I to see if a nurse could call me to answer my questions. That was this morning. Cut to 10 minutes ago.

Me: This is Katie (it saves time to identify myself in my hello, although they still sometimes ask if Katie is there.)

Bee: Yes, this is Bee. A nurse at the U of I RE clinic. How can I help you? (It should be noted that this is the less than cheerful nurse with whom I have a "I'm trying to be the nicest, least crazy patient you talk to today and you are not helping" relationship.)

Me: Hi, I called this morning to ask a couple of questions about my upcoming protocol. It looks like I'm not pregnant this month and I wanted to figure this out before the holidays.

Bee: Sure. What are your questions?

Me: Well, I -

Bee: Wait, so you had a positive pregnancy test this cycle?

Me: Um, no. My test was negative and I -

Bee: So you had your IUI when?

Me: *In my head* December fucking 10th, it should be right there in my fucking file! *In actuality* December 10th. And I know it's only 12 days past ovulation but I used the really good sticks.

Bee: Ok. So what were your questions?

Me: I realize you might have to ask a doctor for the answer to this one, but would there be any possibility that I could increase my femara dosage to 7.5 mg?

Bee: And why would you want to do that?

Me: To get more than one follicle. (Is there another reason? Any at all?)

Bee: Well, um, you know there's no guarantee that a higher dosage would produce more follicles, right?

Me: Yes. (I may have been a little curt with that one.)

Bee: Which is why you're asking right? (There's a smile in her voice so I know she's trying. But this is like pulling fucking teeth.)

Me: Yep, exactly.

Bee: I can see what the doctor thinks.

Me: Ok, thanks. My other questions are when can I stop my prometrium?

Bee: Two weeks past IUI with a negative pregnancy test. (Damn. Not until Saturday. Oh well.)

Me: Ok, great. I also need a refill on my Ovidrel.

Bee: Ok.

Me: And I was wondering if I can use my mail order pharmacy to get a 3 month supply of femara since it's free that way, otherwise I have to pay $10 a month. Every little bit helps right?

Bee: So, you know we can't keep you on the meds indefinitely, right? How many months have you been doing this?

Me: *AGAIN, YOU SHOULD HAVE MY FUCKING FILE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!!* This was my third month with a trigger shot and IUI.

Bee: And you've only been getting one follicle on the 5 mg of femara?

Me: Well I know I only had one the last two months, and you probably don't have my file in front of you to see what it was the month before that -

Bee: No I have your file right here.

Me: *Gulp. Rage. Blinding Rage. Hold it together.* Well, when I first saw Dr. R she told me we'd do up to six months on this protocol and then reevaluate.

Bee: Oh, ok. So how do you want to get these meds then?

Me: Through my mail order pharmacy so they'll be free.

Bee: Ok, I'll see what I can do. Any more questions?

Me: Nope.

Bee: Ok, I'll see what Dr. R thinks about the femara and let you know. And I'll order your Ovidrel once you call us with your ultrasound dates.

Me: Ok, sounds good. Thanks and have a great day!

Bee: You too.

Ok. Nurses are people too. Totally get that. But what. The fuck. Whatthefuck?!? Frustrated right now. Going for a drink after work with some non-pregnant, childless, not TTC friends. Break time.

------------

She called back. Told me a couple of the docs had chatted and hadn't really seen much difference increasing to 7.5 of femara so they'll keep it the same. She put my order through the mail order pharmacy so I shouldn't have to pay for that. Woo hoo! $30 savings!

Don't peek!

2011-12-22T09:41:00.000-06:00

My little sister still shakes her presents to see if she can figure out what they are. She still snoops in my mom's closet, hoping to see the corner of one of her presents sticking out of a bag. She's 21.

I'm not entirely guilt-free here either. Partly because A can't figure out how to use Amazon on his own so he has to use my account. Then I get the e-mails that tell me my package has shipped. Sometimes I'm able to delete the e-mails and not see what he got me, but when the subject line says " Your Nike Lady Elite Storm Fit Running Gloves have shipped!" it's kind of hard not to peek.

Combine that with Fat Dog sniffing out the blu-ray discs under the tree so she can have her way with the cases and A leaving shopping lists in his jeans and it's hard to surprise me.

There is one area where I have control over my "surprise". And I peeked.

Please, for the love of all things good and decent in this world, if you have the choice between POAS before or after the holiday, choose after. My FRER BFN this morning may have ruined my Christmas and I don't want that to happen to anyone else.

If I had waited until after Christmas I would have just gotten my period and been on my "merry" way. Yes, it would have sucked, but now the holidays are looming, like LOOMING, and I'm going to be a scrooge. A grinch. A Christmas bitch. Awesome.

So, yes. My trusty FRER was negative today. Not even a hint of a line with FMU. Since it is trusty, I'll not be testing again and will expect my period the day after Christmas. Perfect! Just in time to see my 20 year old unemployed cousin and her new baby at my paternal grandma's Christmas. I've never hoped for the flu but I'm tempted to OD on the miralax cocktail in hopes that I'll be shitting myself every five minutes and have an excuse to stay home.

JM, do you have any more of that cupcake wine?

CD 28. 12 DPO. FRER=BFN=Happy New Year!

Toffee crack success

2011-12-21T16:52:00.000-06:00

Welcome and Happy Hanukkah, ICLWers! Check out my ICLW tab at the top of my homepage for info on my blog and the TTC Timeline tab for, well, you know.

Now. I'm about to become either your best friend, or your worst enemy.

Ignore the baby in the candy dish at the top of this blog. Concentrate on the deliciousness that is the recipe. If you're looking for a new easy recipe to make you the toast of any party or get together look no further.

The fact that I'm even sharing a recipe on here is surprising to me since I'm about the least domestic person I know, but this shit is good enough to spread the word.

Four simple ingredients. 15 minutes of my life. Sweet and salty enjoyment. Make it. Eat it. Live it. Love me or hate me, depending on how addicted you get to this stuff.

Now, onto infertility related news. The exodus has begun. I'm about to drop my third deuce of the day and I think it's safe to say the miralax cocktail has overcome all odds and the Constipation Train has left the Katie station. So there goes my only pregnancy symptom. I'd be a little bummed if I wasn't about three pounds lighter.

CD 27. 11 DPO. Testing tomorrow. FRER HPT. Please please please please please let me be pregnant. Please with toffee crack on top.

One tiny indication

2011-12-20T21:24:00.000-06:00

Ok, I know I went through the pregnancy symptoms and was not experiencing anything, but it occurred to me today that that's not entirely true.

I'm constipated, yo. Like I can't remember the last time I substantially dumped. There was a liiiittle somethin' yesterday and a liiiiiiittle somethin' Sunday and then a slight bout of mud butt on Saturday night. Normally I would think nothing of this since I tend to have a lazy colon. But I've been guzzling my miralax/orange juice/splash of cranberry Sierra Mist cocktail daily for the past week. Usually I only do the cocktail every other day and it keeps me nice and regular but cramp and loose stool-free. I've never pounded this much 'lax without serious repercussions.

What does this mean? I visited the dreaded message boards today and found a lot of women who were bound up before they even found out they were pregnant. Then I found a couple additional, more legit sources that said it can start at the very beginning. A very good place to start. I guess.

So I guess this means one of two things.

That chick looks totally constipated, doesn't she? She kinda looks like me too. Bonus.

Migraine and BFN

2011-12-20T14:46:00.000-06:00

I'm home with a migraine today. I just got up off the couch about an hour ago and still feel less than awesome. I feel like there's a chopstick stuck through my right eye that comes out the top of my head and every time I blink it wiggles around. Yuck.

In other news, I tested my second void of the day with an internet cheapie. BFN. Yeah, I know I probably should have tested with my FMU but I had decided I wasn't going to test today and then after 6 hours of head pain I thought what the hell and it was negative. I'll try again Thursday.

Symptom check: After a few seconds of boob grabbing I can report that my boobs seem slightly bigger, although nothing out of the ordinary for this time of the month. No more nausea. A couple hot flashes. A migraine. No excessive peeing or thirst or anything else that might make me actually think I'm pregnant.

CD 26, 10 DPO. BFN on internet cheapie. Not even the slightest hint of a line. Time to snuggle with my pups and watch Xmas movies.

I may have finally crossed the line with this anecdote

2011-12-19T15:57:00.000-06:00

Prometrium suppositories make my lady parts smell like buttered popcorn and occasionally fried cheese curds. I don't think this is obvious to anyone but me and my puppies, who've been sticking their noses in my crotch more than usual. Has anyone else had carnival smelling lady parts after shooting up (vaginally of course) the pink vagina bb's?

The worst part is now I'm wavering between never eating cheese curds again to picking some up on my way home from work. The best part is that, no matter how you spin it, there are about a million worse things a vagina could smell like.

CD 25, 9 DPO. No symptoms whatsoever. No boob pain. No cramping. No unusual tiredness. No nausea. Testing tomorrow using 1/50th of my 50 pack of tests. If I see a VFP I'll bust out the FRER from my HPT reserves.

Damn, I'm really craving some poutine right about now. Canadians, I envy you the availability and cheapness of this treat at your local BKs.

My ass smells like rotten eggs

2011-12-18T21:29:00.000-06:00

Do you ever have farts you're just proud of? You know, the ones that scare your dog and make your husband gag? The kind you wish you could share with the world because you're sure you just farted the smelliest fart in the history of the universe?

Yeah, I have some gas right now. It's impressive. I'm even making my own eyes water. I'm trying to think of what I ate to cause this. I suppose I had plenty of smoked meat and Christmas candy at A's family Christmas last night. I probably overdid it on the Christmas crack (sugar and butter melted over a layer of saltines and then sprinkled with chocolate chips and baked until melted. Definitely crack.) And I did have the Chuck Norris sushi roll for dinner Friday night. And there was that singular bout of mud butt last night after dinner before the gift exchange when I had to borrow my niece's hotel key to go destroy their hotel room bathroom (A's family all comes to where we live since it's a midpoint for everyone except us and we get a party room at a local hotel and then A and I get to come home and not spend money on a hotel room).

I'm not sure what was going on yesterday. I was nauseous on and off all day, dizzy at times, then had just one round of looseness in the bathroom. I also felt like a zombie and had trouble getting into the festivities last night. And I got choked up over a coffee commercial and almost took my SIL's head off when she started talking about friends of hers who had stopped trying and gotten pregnant. I didn't expect much from her since she bugs me in general but I almost snapped last night.

Then A's niece (all of my nieces and nephews are by marriage. There are no babies on my side yet) who is a few months older than he is told me about her two miscarriages (after I asked) and told me she got to the point when she didn't think it would ever happen. It was so nice for someone who had been through hell tell me she didn't think it would ever happen for her. I've been in that place for the last couple of days and it was nice to have that concern validated.

She has a 14 and a 12 year old boy now and they are adorable little hipster skater boys with fantastic hair and great senses of humor. I would love to have two boys just like that. Nerdy but cool at the same time, obsessed with skateboarding and science fiction.

Anyway, I don't know what got into me yesterday to make me feel so shitty. Of course I thought I was pregnant (because everything makes me think I am) but now I'm thinking I was just stressed from Christmas stuff and ate too much. If this isn't the cycle for me I'm looking forward to the following:

1. 11 days off of work. A and I are both taking the week between Christmas and New Year's off and we have lots of stuff to do to keep us busy, including lots of sexy time (even though I might be bleeding, yuck), a couple more Christmases and nights out with friends.
2. Drinking over the holidays. A couple of our good friends will be moving to Iowa City in a few weeks and we hope to spend a couple evenings with them over our staycation, just hanging out, chatting and getting our drink on, responsibly of course.
3. Home projects. We have a piece of popcorn ceiling falling off in our living room that we need to fix and A promised to fix our two screen doors, both have been broken for months. I'm also going to go through a bunch of books to take to sell at half-price books and put together a few garage sale boxes.
4. Exercising. I decided not to do much during this 2WW just in case. That combined with infinite holiday treats and pink vagina bb's has made for some bloating and a couple pounds of weight gain. I'd like to get back to running if the weather stays like it has been.
5. Meaningless months of TTC. And by that I mean two week waits that don't end in a holiday or anniversary that would be "so awesome" to announce a pregnancy on but make for a devastating downer of a holiday if AF shows up. I'm looking forward to the boring months ahead where I'm not hoping to tell my family I'm pregnant at some random get together. It will take a lot of the pressure off and I'm looking forward to it.

CD 24, 8 DPO. Super stinky farts. (For those of you who might be curious, I farted in front of my husband when we were just friends, not even dating yet, and he returned the courtesy. I knew I loved him when farts took up a good percentage of our conversations and that made me love him more. Yeah. We're a classy couple.)

I promised Chantelle I wouldn't POAS until Tuesday so I won't. Four days of work this week. I can make it through Thursday!

Constant Craving

2011-12-16T16:50:00.002-06:00

I've had this song in my head since they covered it on Glee. I think it captures exactly what I'm (and maybe a lot of you are) feeling. I can't listen to it without crying and feeling hopeful, although I've been getting choked up at the weirdest times all day. I've also been nauseous off and on and almost passed out in Wal-Mart (I think I got too hot.) I'd like to think that maybe there's a shitload of HCG coursing through my system and making me sick but the mud butt I had after dinner indicates that I may have a bug. I'll do a cheap test tomorrow just to see if by some miracle I'm overachieving this time around, but I won't put any stock in it. My cheap HPT the other day came up negative so I know the trigger shot is gone. Cross your fingers that not only am I pregnant but that I don't have the flu. That's what the effing flu shot is supposed to prevent, dammit!

Writer: K.D. LANG, BEN MINK

Even through the darkest phase
Be it thick or thin
Always someone marches brave
Here beneath my skin

Constant craving
Has always been

Maybe a great magnet pulls
All souls towards truth
Or maybe it is life itself
That feeds wisdom
To its youth

Constant craving
Has always been

Craving
Ah ha
Constant craving
Has always been
Has always been

Constant craving
Has always been
Constant craving
Has always been

Craving
Ah ha
Constant craving
Has always been
Has always been
Has always been
Has always been
Has always been
Has always been

CD 23, 7 DPO.

FF: Random Things I Like

2011-12-16T15:00:00.000-06:00

It's Frivolous Friday! Yeah for distractions! Here is a list of random things I like. I have a list of dislikes/things that make me uncomfortable, but since I already complained today I'll do this one instead:

1. Watching zambonis. In college I lived a block from the ice arena so we'd go to hockey games a lot. I'm not much of a sports enthusiast but I love half-time! (Or third-time or quarter-time. Whatever. Yeah, not a sports enthusiast.) Especially at hockey games. When the zamboni came out I was transfixed. I loved the way the "old ice" was made shiny and new again. I loved the fact that I knew those big ugly hockey players would come back out on the ice and tear it up, but that the zamboni would always make it look pretty again. Weird huh? "Whaaat? Friends listen to Endless Love in the dark!"

2. Stepping on crunchy leaves. One of the reasons I love living in Iowa is the changing seasons. Fall is my favorite and I love to step on crunchy leaves. Bagging them, no so much, but stepping on them is awesome. The crunchier the better.

3. Same vein, stepping on thin sheets of ice. I love when you get a thin layer of ice that forms over melted ice/snow and you can step on it and it crunches. I could run down the street all day long stepping on ice. It's so satisfying.

4. Speaking of satisfying! Putting glue on my hands, letting it dry, peeling it off. So. Much. Fun. I want to do it right now. Peelable finger nail polish or peel-off face masks will do, also, but glue is way better. Elmer's glue is fine for this. Make sure the layer of glue is thick enough to make a really satisfying peel. It may take a while to dry, but the patience is worth it. Please don't pet your furry animal (cat, dog, husband) with glue on your hands. That would be bad.

5. Scraping tape off of glass with a razor blade. Yeah, this one may be even weirder than the glue. There's just something really fun about peeling tape off a window with a razor blade. By the way, I will not let my children do this.

6. The first bite of pizza. If I could go through the entire pizza and just eat the first bite out of each piece, the part closest to the center, I would be a happy lady. It just tastes better. I don't know if the way the cheese melts there makes it better, or if it's the triangular-ness of it all, but it's definitely the best bite.

7. Along the same lines, the first drink of a tall, frosty beer, the first sip of wine, the first drink of soda. It tastes better because it's either colder and foamier (beer), fresh from the bottle (wine), still carbonated and not watered down (soda). I read some book once about some fictional royal who would basically just take the first bite of every dish, the first drink from every glass and that was all he ate/drank. What a life. Throw in constant zamboni-watching and glue-peeling and it would be my own personal heaven.

8. The smell of gasoline. I know I'm not alone in this one, but I think it reminds me of Saturdays when I was growing up. My dad would always get gas and take us to McD's for a happy meal after junior bowling on Saturdays. Yes, I'm a bowler. The only sport I do well.

9. Snuggling with my puppies and a familiar book. My husband works late most nights so I have 3-4 hours at home to myself. I don't mind, usually. Lately I've been using the time to re-read all the Tamora Pierce Tortall books in order (I'm on Emporer Mage). I started reading those books in middle school and they're still some of my favorites. Any children I have, biologically or adopted, will read these books as their introduction to kick-ass heroines, besides their mom, of course.

10. Snuggling under the covers with my hubby. Nothing sexual here, necessarily. And it really only works in the winter when the air is cold and snuggling under blankets is comfortable.

What are some random things you like?

Ornament exchange and pregnant cooties

2011-12-16T12:22:00.002-06:00

A lot of bloggers I read have been dreading the holidays and I could kind of understand why but didn't really get it until last night. Holiday parties where you don't know everyone are iffy for IFers. (Sorry, lame.)

My adorable single neighbor (not quite sure why she's single, but that's not the point of the story) moved in across the street a few months ago and we discovered we had a few mutual friends. She loves to have get togethers at her place, girls nights if you will. Last night was her annual holiday ornament exchange that she hosts with a couple other women and I thought nothing of it, even though I knew I'd only know a few of the women attending. I knew there would be at least one pregnant woman there, my infertile friend I just met for lunch the other day, so I was prepared, or so I thought.

One minute after I arrived I heard one woman ask another about her due date. Oh awesome, there's another one. Breathe. That's cool. I can handle two pregnant women in the same room, especially if they're not obnoxious, which they weren't. Five minutes after I arrived I watched another woman, who I vaguely knew from a couple years ago when we attended meetings together, pull one of the other hostesses aside in the hallway and tell her she's pregnant. Squees, laughter, almost shrieking, the whole pregnancy package. She was not being quiet about it, even though she knew maybe 1 in 5 women at this thing. They then migrated to the living room and I filled my plate and tried to decide if I would dine and dash or stick it out. No, no. I could do this. I was fine.

I headed to the living room a minute later, thinking they'd be done with the squeeing and I could enjoy my chips and dip and cookies in peace. Hmm. Yeah, no that didn't happen. Turns out this woman found out today she's pregnant with twins. (That's the second twin announcement I've heard this week, btw.) Good for her. Seriously, good for her. And as exciting as I'm sure finding out you're having twins may be, she was obnoxious about it, no way around it.

First of all, she was talking really loudly and every sentence ended with a squee or a long "Soooooo." Then when we did introductions she (loudly) announced to the group that she had two babies inside her and it was a real game changer, the announcement of course received a chorus of squees from the 20+ women there. Then when she opened her ornament during the exchange it came with two pieces and she commented that of course it was two pieces, cue more squeeing. THEN when we played the "guess how many ornaments are on the tree" game she said her guess was of course 222, again, excessive squees. And the whole night she was just so LOUD. Even her comments unrelated to her pregnancy made me wince.

Ok. Please tell me I'm not overreacting to this and that it was, in fact, obnoxious.

Now here's the kicker. When she first told her friend she was expecting two she alluded to the fact that they started this whole process two years ago. What, what? Could this woman who had annoyed the shit out of me all night be, in fact, a fellow infertile, well a PIF? All signs point to no. She wasn't showing at all, so she couldn't have been terribly far along with twins which suggested an announcement before the end of the first trimester. The tones of her squees suggested she wasn't worried at all about the pregnancy and the fact that she could not shut up about it in a room full of mostly strangers makes me think she didn't give a shit who knew. Not classic infertile behavior, but I'll get to that in a sec.

To cut her some slack, she did just find out that day and was still processing the news. And if she is pregnant with twins after two years of trying I don't blame her for wanting to shout it from the rooftops. And she had no idea there might be women in the room who would take her exuberance amiss. For all I know I wasn't the only one struggling and there may be a post identical to this one somewhere else in the ALI blogging community.

My ultimate point is this: Just because I don't consider her behavior to be "classically infertile" doesn't mean she isn't. I can say I would never react that way or that I would be super sensitive in case of other infertiles and I would try my hardest not to be obnoxious but until I have my own (confirmed) pregnancy to announce, I have no idea when I'll tell people, how I'll tell them or who I'll tell. I may, literally, shout it from a rooftop somewhere. I may hire a plane and skywrite it above my house. Oh fuck. I may even lose all reason and rationality and announce it on FB. Yeah. I know.

I just hope all those pregnancy cooties rub off on me and this is the month.

CD 22. 6 DPO. I've felt a little cramping on my lower left side but there's still a chance that might be Indian food. Any other symptoms are probably from the pink vagina bb's so I can't take them seriously.

FF post yet to come!

Why I remain anonymous

2011-12-14T16:56:00.000-06:00

There are only two people I knew IRL pre-blog who know about my blog, I mean specifically where to find it. One reads it regularly (I think) and one doesn't. (The one who reads it has struggled with pregnancy loss herself and the other is child-free by choice.) I accidentally told a few people about it last month during my pregnancy fiasco and a couple of my friends asked what it was called so they could read it. I told them I'd send them a link to it. I haven't yet. And I'm not going to.

If people I know IRL start reading my blog they will start referring to things in it. And wondering if they do the things fertiles do that annoy me. They'll wonder if I'm referring to them if I give a specific example. They will force me to censor myself and the whole point of my blog is to say whatever the hell I want with no repercussions in real life. (There are repercussions in the blog world if I get too crazy, but I trust you all to call me on any excessive ridiculousness and I appreciate it.)

Now. I fully understand that I just complained about my friends and family not understanding and not asking me about things and in the next breath I'm declaring that I vow to remain anonymous and not let them read my blog. The contradictions I have found myself uttering throughout the infertility process are mind-numbing and I think most of you will join me when I say, "Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here." (Name the movie!) I can only justify myself by saying I vent all my feelings on this blog, feelings I don't want to burden those I love with, although I have no trouble burdening all of you because I know you can handle it. Does that make even the slightest bit of sense? Oh well.

Here are a few reasons why I remain anonymous at this point in time:

1. I do not want my friends or family walking on egg shells around me more than they already do.

They should be able to do the cheesy pregnancy announcement, complain about their kids, put terrifyingly bad pregnancy photos on FB, etc. and tell me about them without feeling like they might be hurting my feelings. I heard the beginnings of this while at lunch with an infertile friend the other day. I asked her what they were going to do to announce her pregnancy (she was two days ahead of me last month and everything looks good with her pregnancy, yeah!) and she kind of skirted it for a second trying to figure out how to tell me since she had just been in my shoes and knew that what she was doing would have annoyed her former self, therefore it might annoy me. I don't want that to happen with any of my friends, fertile or infertile. It might hurt my feelings but I'm not going to drag down what might be the happiest time of their lives.

I also have a reason unrelated to infertility. My dad is one of those people who is really happy one minute and the next minute the slightest thing can trip his temper and turn him into someone else. There may be a chemical reason in his brain that causes this and he may have actually gotten treatment for it since it's gotten much better in the last few years, but as kids we always, ALWAYS were on guard when it came to our dad. We could say something one day that would make him laugh hysterically and another day we could say the exact same thing and he would get really pissed and give us the "You're not too old to spank" bullshit. I actually am too old to spank now so I don't guard myself quite as much but I still wonder if my comments will make him laugh or set him off. I don't want my friends or family feeling like that when they say something to me.

2. As much as I love to overshare, there are some people IRL who should never read all the personal information in my blog.

Most of my close friends know a lot of this stuff anyway (not all, but a lot) but I have a lot of friends who are currently spared. On this blog I go into great detail about a number of topics and not only would I be uncomfortable knowing they had read that about me, I'm sure they would be even more so. Vibrator + suppository + masturbation into a cup + real life friends = moderate to major discomfort = unnecessary. (That's the extent of my math, by the way.)

3. I do not want unsolicited advice from my fertile friends.

Meaning I don't want them thinking they can say whatever they want because they know me in real life and think the fertile rules of courtesy (whatever those are) don't apply to them. I especially don't want to hear how something worked for them or have them pass on old wive's tale advice they heard from someone that has no medical merit, especially for my situation. Sunny's post reinforced this one exponentially. I would lose most of my friends if I went public on FB because comments like that would not fly. I really don't want solicited advice either, like when I ask for general opinions at the end of my posts. I'm not asking someone who doesn't understand infertility. I'm asking my blog sisters and I don't want my fertile friends feeling obligated to give me their uninformed opinions.

4. I also don't want them to feel bad that they didn't know I am going through this and feel this way.

I don't want to hear the "Why didn't you tell me?"s because I would have to respond with "Because you never asked." and then both of us would feel bad. I don't blame them for not knowing how to deal with infertility because society in general doesn't deal with it very well. Between the lack of insurance coverage for infertility treatments and the popular belief that if you're meant to have kids and if God wills it you will, I'm not inclined to expect much from the general population when it comes to infertility. As awesome as most of my friends and family are, they are still the general population and I can't expect them all to research PCOS and infertility and be able to carry on a conversation about my treatments. I'd like a few of them to do that, husband included, but that's up to them.

5. This is my blog.

This is my place to say how I feel, mine and mine alone. I'll be honest, I probably wouldn't post as much as I do if I didn't have followers, but anytime I feel frustrated, this is the first place I come. I use this blog to deal with my feelings of inadequacy, to document my process (sounds so new age, doesn't it?), to ask for feedback from the infertile community, and to share my story with women like me so we don't feel so alone. I don't want or need my IRL friends and family to see these weaknesses or know that I wear a mask a lot of the time. They don't need that burden and I don't need the pressure of their expectations. If they ask me about things, I will tell them, but I won't direct them to this blog. This blog is for me, for us. And it's going to stay that way.

CD 21, 5 DPO. I feel bloated and my acne is worse than it has ever been. I'm a bottomless pit and managed to demolish a gigantic bowl of African chicken peanut stew with rice and an order of naan, four cookies (they were small-ish), and a glass of milk last night for dinner. Right now I'm watching the clock and salivating over the butter chicken I'm going to destroy for lunch. Thanks pink vagina bb's!

I am a Fertile Enabler

2011-12-14T11:48:00.002-06:00

I had an epiphany you guys. My name is Katie and I am a Fertile Enabler. I make it easier for people to marginalize me, put me in a box, fail to support me, and think I'm absolutely fine when I'm not.

Exhibit A: I convinced everyone that I was fine after my chemical pregnancy. I was completely honest with you guys and you've read about my emotional ups and downs since then, but I've managed to convince people IRL that I'm fine, everything is cool. That chemical pregnancy put us one step closer. I even took the words right out of people's mouths half the time. I uttered the dreaded, "At least I got pregnant" numerous times and didn't once give into the tears in front of friends, family or medical professionals. Maybe I should have since my aloof, laid back, "I'm fine" attitude seems to take me down a few notches on the priority list at IUI appointment time. Damn you self-sabotage!

Exhibit B: I "Like" FB statuses when people drop their pregnancy announcement bombs, talk about their babies incessantly, or post an ultrasound pic. I don't know why the hell I do this, but I do and it makes me feel yucky. Not that I don't actually like it because if I wasn't going through this I would. I just feel bad liking it and then crying. And I'm sure people see that I "like" it and if they've ever speculated about my fertility they can push it aside and think, "Oh, if Katie likes that she must be fine." I'm overthinking this, I know, but humor me. It should be noted that I rarely comment on the things I "like", mainly because reluctantly spitting out a cliche would make me feel even yuckier.

Exhibit C: I tell myself it could be worse, thereby marginalizing my current emotions and feelings and allowing others to do the same. I focus on how bad things can actually get to make it easier to avoid dealing with how things are now. I let those around me tell me how much worse it could be and to focus on how lucky I was to get pregnant in the first place. They (and I) made it ok for my chemical pregnancy to happen because it could have been so much worse. It wasn't ok! It was fucking terrible! Just tell me how fucking terrible it is and don't marginalize my pain to try to make me feel better! I'm yelling at myself right now, mainly.

Most of the bloggers I read have an "It could be worse" post and while I think it could be a good temporary way of dealing with my situation it doesn't really address what I'm going through at that moment. Even during my chemical I kept saying at least this didn't happen further along in the pregnancy. At least I hadn't heard a heart beat, at least I hadn't seen it moving on an ultrasound. I know pregnancy loss has happened to many of you after those points and it's not fair to either of us for me to deal with my own emotions by trying to put myself in your shoes. It's horrific and unfair and "Tonight thank God it's them instead of you" is not how I roll. (By the way, those are some of the most offensive song lyrics ever written, IMO, and Kristen at Birthing Beautiful Ideas has a fantastic post about it and Tom and Lorenzo at Project Rungay tear Glee apart for using it in their Christmas special.)

Exhibit D: I am, for the most part, a Closet Infertile. My immediate family knows I'm going through shit and judging by the amount of quality gossip on our family website most of my extended family knows something at this point too. However, I am not "out" on FB. I "Liked" the Birds and the Bees fan page but that's about it. I don't follow Resolve or any FB infertility groups because I don't want my FB friends seeing that stuff in my newsfeed. Until recently I would never have said I'm ashamed of my infertility but my actions are saying otherwise. I suppose it's only logical since when I do things I want to do them right and I have absolutely no control over this. I hate failing. Especially when people who I have always excelled more than (I'm talking measurable stuff in school and shit, not general life success) are popping out kids left and right. I especially hate that I might be the subject of the "Thank God it's them instead of you" thoughts from anyone else.

I'm not naive enough to think that anyone who knows me IRL doesn't suspect something is up with us fertility-wise. That whole oversharing thing that I do generally transfers over into real life and so when we decided we wanted to have a baby I couldn't keep my goddamn mouth shut about it. I asked pregnant women all sorts of questions, I bought cloth diapers when they were on sale and a Petunia Picklebottom diaper bag on Craigslist. I did what any woman pre-infertility would do and made plans. I picked out colors for the nursery, I bought a kick-ass rocker/glider/recliner off of Craigslist (only $150 for an $800 chair, mint condition), I brought up having kids in conversations before anyone else did. No doubt I hurt a shit ton of Infertiles' feelings during that brief time and I can only chalk that all up to a learning experience. Two years later and still no babies, well, anyone with any sense knows that something must be up. And yet do they refrain from making comments? Ha.

Exhibit E: I let the people who do know what's going on pretend my infertility doesn't exist. Up until a couple months ago my mom didn't even know what was wrong with me. I've known for sure I had PCOS for over a year and in that whole time she didn't feel the need to ask me what was wrong and it didn't occur to me to tell her.

It might be incredibly offensive to some people to be asked outright what is wrong with them. As much as I'd like to think it wouldn't bother me, anytime someone questions my inadequacy in some area I'm going to bristle a bit. I'm sure there are tactful ways to put it, such as "What's going on?" "Is there anything I can do to help?" "Do you need someone to talk to?" No one asks those questions, though. Not to me, at least. Which is why I have this blog and why this community exists. We come here to get something we don't get enough of in life. Support. I never thought the internet could give me something I couldn't have otherwise. I've always been of the opinion that it's better to talk to people face to face than through e-mail or even phone calls, but those interactions can't compare to what we all provide for each other. Thank you for supporting me and I'm doing my best to support you, too. Hopefully I can meet some of you in person some day and have the best of both worlds! That reminds me, I was going to research an infertility bloggers conference . . .

CD 20, 4 DPO. Pink vagina bb's caused me to oversleep this morning after I got up to put one in and forgot to reset my alarm. Oops.

It's official, no FB announcement

2011-12-13T15:30:00.000-06:00

As I sit here, moments after seeing two more pregnancy announcements, one twins, one with a super cheesy him+her=baby Christmas card, I'm officially deciding something.

I'm not announcing my pregnancy on there. Of course, assuming these cycles of pills and ultrasounds and shots and IUIs and pink vagina bb's work and I end up pregnant with a sticky baby. I realize this means I may have to disable my wall for a few months because I don't want anyone posting any crap on there. Congratulations messages would be fine but still annoying because people say shit like "Welcome to the mommy club!" and "You'll never get a good night's sleep again!" and the worst "It took you long enough!" Then once the advice sets in I would be in a constant state of annoyance which isn't good for a gestating fetus.

No. Nope. Absolutely not. In fact, I don't want to tell anyone. Except you guys, of course. I really just want to grow larger and larger and let people assume I've gotten fatter. If they question me and challenge me that the basketball-shaped stomach is in fact a baby, I will point them in the direction of one of our building's custodians who has looked pregnant for years with nothing to show for it. (Seriously, if she actually worked I wouldn't pick on her but the woman walked right by me as I was trying to get a huge bag of garbage out of a stubborn trash can and didn't offer to help at all. I would never expect her or anyone else to do my job so that really pissed me off.)

I don't even want to tell my family or friends. Some of them know we've struggled, some of them don't, but I'm sure no matter what someone will say something offensive and between me not being able to let shit like that go in general and pregnancy hormones, I might have my baby in jail.

I'm also terrified of jinxing it. In fact, I'm probably jinxing it right now since I'm typing about it and it hasn't happened yet. I don't want to talk to anyone IRL about it because it might still go away. It might always still go away, until it comes out healthy. You can't really fake not being pregnant when your water breaks on someone's shoes and you suddenly have a baby with you everywhere you go.

To be completely honest though, it all comes down to the advice. I'm one of those people who doesn't like to be wrong or ignorant about something. I've gotten better at admitting my mistakes and knowledge gaps as the years have passed, but I still hate not knowing something I should or getting condescending advice. I think condescending pregnancy advice would be almost too much to take and I know it's unavoidable once people know I'm pregnant. I've had 2+ years to read the books and the blogs and watch the documentaries and videos. I've even caught myself giving pregnancy advice that I know to be sound, even though I've never been pregnant (beyond chemically.)

And I realize that books and blogs and movies and advice do absolutely nothing to prepare you for the actuality of growing, birthing and raising a child, but at least I know where my resources are and they are not with my great aunts or my step-grandpa.

Do you think I can do it? Can I fake not being pregnant? Well, I guess step 1 would be to actually get pregnant so I can fake not being pregnant. CD 19, 3 DPO. Only 8 more days before I test. I'm not going to say I'm not testing anymore. I know I will, you know I will. The charade is over.

Bubble gum in my panties

2011-12-12T11:03:00.000-06:00

Am I doing this right? It looks like there's old bubble gum on my pantiliner. I suppose that's good because it means the pills are breaking down, right? They are pink, after all. I'm just not getting any of the oily discharge I keep hearing so much about.

The fact that it's pink is both good and bad. It's good because it doesn't look like snot or green slime or anything else a yellow pill could look like. It's bad because if I spot at all in the next two weeks it will be hard to tell.

Now off to research exercising during the 2WW. It's almost 40 degrees here! I should be running outside!

I put the Pro in Prometrium

2011-12-11T20:56:00.001-06:00

These pills confused me. And they confused the Chinese pharmacist who gave them to me. She told me they are an oral pill but that I was to insert them virginally. I know what she meant, I just thought it was funny because of the image it conjured: Virgin Mary, we're close to Christmas, ha ha. And she looked so perplexed when she told me. It was cute. And awkward because my neighbor is a pharmacy tech there. Whatever, at least it wasn't the dreaded pharmacy intern.

Anyway. Apparently I got it up there pretty far because I hardly got any discharge afterwards. I did lay down for about half an hour too. Hopefully it's doing some good. I hear rumors of bigger boobs with these things and that would be awesome. I've always said if the kid thing doesn't work out for us or if I win the lottery I'm getting a boob job. It may not sound very feminist of me, but I totally covet the rack I saw on a bartender in Vancouver back in June. Her boobs were fantastic. If they weren't real they were the results of a skilled surgeon. I don't loath myself because of my boobs or anything, I would just like to have an awesome rack and look a little bit more proportionate. I have curves everywhere else and things need to be evened out. I'll probably never do it, but it's on my wish list.

So today is CD 17, 1 DPO. My 2WW has officially begun. What the hell am I going to do with myself until Christmas when I can test? Yeah, like I'll wait that long. And what are prometrium's effects on HPTs? I could google this, but it's always fun to get advice from your more experienced girlfriends.