Friday, February 5, 2016


She gave it a good run but approximately 13 months after her pancreatic/liver cancer diagnosis, Grandma is just about done.  2-3 days, a week at most.  She's 71.

We're all going to see her tomorrow (I made sure she wants to see us) and say our last goodbyes.

I'm trying to wrap my head around what she is feeling right now (besides the pain and indignity of losing control of her body).  How does one feel when they know they only have a couple of days left on this Earth?

I know she has her faith to soothe her and is confident she'll go to heaven when she dies.  I don't share her beliefs, so I console myself with knowing she led a good, full life.  It had its ups and downs and she certainly made her share of mistakes and was far from perfect, but she has many family and friends and people who love her.  We have nothing but good memories of her and really, what else could someone ask for as they get close to the end?

I vividly remember when my great-grandfather, her dad, died 20 years ago.  My cousin and I were sad but he was really old and had cancer so we weren't as sad as we might have been.  But I remember her saying, "This is hard, but imagine how hard it's going to be when Grandma Linda dies?"

I didn't think I would have to deal with her death for another 20 years.  After all, my great-grandma, her mom, just died last year at 99.  I thought my daughter would have the great gift of knowing her great-grandma well into her 20s, if not 30s.  Not so.

Fuck you cancer, you fucking fuck.

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