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Thursday, February 25, 2016

Finally

Remember on February 5th when I said grandma had 2-3 days, a week at most?  She finally died on Tuesday the 23rd, 2 1/2 weeks later.  The doctor said her strong heart was why her body held out so long, even though her mind was done.  Hospice nurses should keep their "It won't be long now" comments to themselves because that was the worst waiting game ever.

I don't think I've ever been this sad before.  I feel like the sadness I'm feeling now makes up for the sadness I should have felt when my grandpa died four years ago (four years ago tomorrow, actually) but couldn't make myself feel because I had just found out I was pregnant with V.  It more than makes up for it.

I've been going to the gym late at night to distract myself (and watch the Travel channel on the elliptical/treadmill since we don't have cable.)  The other night I worked out for over an hour and then went to the late showing of "How to be Single" because I didn't want to go home until I was too tired to think about things.

My cousins are annoying the shit out of me on FB.  Their statuses are all "she held on, she didn't give up until the very end, blah blah blah."  I know they're saying all of that to make themselves feel better but I'm like, bitches, grandma said 2 1/2 weeks ago the sooner the better and you're pretending she was trying to hang on.  Trust me.  If she could have gone sooner, she would have.  I normally don't call my cousins bitches, but seriously.  I'm so over all of the bullshit people tell themselves when someone dies.

I'm also craving the feel of a baby in my arms.  Calm down, I don't want another one.  I just want to hold one and nobody around me is pregnant or due any time soon and it's creepy to be like, "Let me hold your baby" to a stranger.  I've seen those FB posts about holding foster babies but that's depressing (necessary, someone can do it, not me).  I guess I'll wait for my sister to have one.  Hopefully she's fertile and gets knocked up this summer.

I know that's a reaction to the end of a life I didn't want to end and my brain is making up for it by trying to see new life wherever I can.  It's fine.  It will pass.

The funeral is Monday and I'm not looking forward to it.

Oh, I remembered something else she told me that day I said goodbye.  She told me I was a wonderful mother and she supposed I was also a wonderful wife.  I hope so.


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