Friday, May 18, 2012

FF: Butt Sweat

This may be the classiest post I've ever written.

It's about to get hot here, folks.  We have about two weeks in the spring where the humidity doesn't assault you the second you step outside and that short period is officially over.  As soon as the humidity hits I'm hell bent on staying inside, except for evening and weekend morning walks.  Not only does humidity friz the hell out of my hair but it makes me sweat.  Especially my ass.

I can be sitting in a booth in an air conditioned restaurant, cool and comfortable, and I'll stand up and there will be sweat on my ass and a sweat streak on the seat.  It's nasty.  It doesn't matter what material my pants/capris/shorts are made of.  It doesn't matter if I'm wearing a dress or spanx.  There will be butt sweat and it's disgusting.

I don't know if I have overactive sweat glands in my ass or if there's just too much of it to not sweat, but I have got to figure something out.  It's embarrassing, it's uncomfortable, and it's fucking gross. 

Apparently I'm not the only one who has this problem.  I googled "butt sweat" (told you I was classy) and I guess a lot of people have issues with it.  I love the ones who are like, "Oh my gawd, this is so embarrassing, but, like, when I get nervous, I like, sweat a lot from my butt crack."  Yeah, welcome to my sweaty world.

How the hell does one deal with this?  Well.  The internet is such an amazing thing.  Ten years ago I would have just had to suffer alone in my butt sweat misery.  Nowadays, I do a search and it comes back with all kinds of advice.

A lot of people swear by this:
From the website (that's* I couldn't figure out if the shampoo is exclusively a butt shampoo or if you're supposed to have gorgeous anti-monkey butt hair (on your head)?  The body wash is interesting.  The powder actually makes sense.  And in case the regular formula irritates your delicate sensibilities, there's this:

For the ladies.  Quite a few women have reviewed this and say it's fantastic.  Helps with chafing, sweating, rashes, razor burn, etc.  I might have to try it because the ass sweat is out of control.

But how does one powder ones ass?  I have visions of me shaking powder into my undies and having it go everywhere.  And does it ruin panties?  Should I invest in some of these:
Is that not the creepiest thing you've ever seen?  Disposable underwear.  This photo happens to be a dude, but they make them for ladies, too.  Ick.

I have to do something.  I can't spend my summer, including two weeks in a desert, with uncontrollable butt sweat.

Do any of you have this problem?  How do you deal with it?  Are there special underwear, powders, biker shorts, etc. that you've tried or that help you?  Please share so I don't have to sit in a pile of my butt sweat all summer!

Have a great, sweat-free weekend!

*The anti-monkey butt people did not compensate me, with money or butt powder, for this post.  I stumbled upon their product and will possibly try it and review it, again, with no compensation.


Belle said...

I hate to laugh at your sweaty butt misery but this is hilarious! My husband suffers from nervous sweaty butt. It happens A LOT while lecturing during his math classes, which has to be miserably embarrassing because when doing math lectures you spend A LOT of time with your sweaty ass facing the classroom. Making matters worse, he wipes his chalky hands on his sweaty butt on a regular basis making for white streaks that cement into the now damp pants. He has not tried Anti Monkey Butt products yet... I think this might be his anniversary gift. Nothing says I love you quite like a nice dry ass. :) Good luck and do let us know what you learn!

The Cornfed Feminist said...

Awwww, chalky butt sweat would be epically worse. I ordered some of the lady monkey butt powder and will test it in Houston in a couple weeks. That should be the ultimate butt sweat test, Texas in June. I'll let you know how it goes!

Izzy said...

Girl, you've got your mofo back. Awesome FF post! :-) since I live on a pretty dry place and actually freak out when visiting humid places (because seriously how do you put up with sweat everywhere?!) But powder is awesome. So on our 2 vacations in Mexico, carribean side, I remember walking out of our air conditioned rooms and my sun glasses would fog up immediately and then the sweat. So I brought this yummy smelling powder from Lush and it really helped the cleavage and butt sweat tremendously. I didn't notice it clumping or getting gross from the sweat either which surprised me.

Let us know how this stuff works and what is smells like. :-)

The Cornfed Feminist said...

Ooh, I should check out that stuff from Lush and do a comparison post. :)

Cristy said...

This. is. awesome.

Lindsay said...

My niece had to have some nerves cut because she had such excessive sweating on her palms and the bottoms of her feet. She could cup her hand, just think about sweating and the palm of her hand would fill up with sweat. SO gross. But now she doesn't sweat on her hands/feet/armpits. Maybe there's a nerve that controls the posterior sweating? Probably not a solution while pregnant, lol. I've heard botox injections work, too.

The Cornfed Feminist said...

Wow. Yeah, maybe ass nerve cutting surgery is in my near future, after the baby of course.

Emily said...

We have too much in common! And all the "fun" ones too! I have the same problem. You can use a fine baby powder or something like gold bond or whatever smells good to you. The finer the powder the better. They make ones out there that feel like silk. Anyway, just make sure you are completely dry after your shower and put a little on your hand and rub all over your butt. It sometimes helps if you go up your lower back a bit too and between your legs. I hope it helps you!

cw said...

Babes becausey boobies have grown so much I get boob sweat!!!

Anonymous said...

OMG I have the same problem, but its butt crack sweats that only I can feel. I just wear panty liners....and I need to magically get powder in my crack LOL

Ryver Vixen said...

I know this is an old post, but I'm gonna comment anyways. I was just searching butt sweat and found this post.

I seem to be the only one that does this, but just take a piece of paper towel, fold it in quarters and tuck it right between your cheeks. Bring an extra paper towel in your pocket if you need to swap the first one out.

Done! You'll be dry, powder free, itch free and embarrassment free!

Just, from experience, for this purpose please buy good, soft, select-a-size ones. You don't need cheap, non absorbent, sandpaper ones falling apart between your cheeks. And do not substitute toilet paper! Or do, make your own mistakes lol

Honestly, paper towel have saved my ass... literally.

The Cornfed Feminist said...

I heart you, Ryver Vixen.

bigbootyproblems said...

Ok so I know this is old but I feel the need to respond due to having the same problem. Let me start off by saying I have a big Latina bubble butt lol I've tried everything to aid in this uncomfortable annoying and embarrassing issue. So let me tell you my own experience I've tried regular powder nope that didn't work then I.saw this anti monkey butt I thought for sure this will work it did for 30 minutes at best smh....then I found what seems to help the best GoldBond powder spray but sadly you have to travel with it smh my friend said she uses deodorant I've yet to try this... but I'm considering it see most of the people I know only complain about this in the summer imagine your sweaty booty all year around because that's me :-( just wanted to share my experiences with you.

The Cornfed Feminist said...

Thanks! I will definitely be trying all of the above this summer!